04.17

I can go on about how it is lately. But I guess it won’t do anyone any good.


Therefore I’ll just write my wishes in all these situations. (as if it will do anyone any good)


  • To not think of anything. I’ve been sleeping a lot lately just for this reason.

  • To draw as I want to.

  • To just go to heaven.

  • To be with my family.

  • To watch Running Man all I want

  • To be oblivious.

  • To stop time.

  • To borrow tons of books and gallop them all.

  • To chat.

  • To talk.

  • To not have school start next week. (Some might want to slay me for saying this cos I know some ppl don’t even have their holidays)

  • To meet Gwang Soo.

  • To be able to read minds.

  • To be able to teleport.

  • To live in a jungle like tarzan.

  • To be able to speak some sense into people.

The list may go on but in the end the answer always can be found in Jesus. Havent said this, moodswings are scary lately and there are times I wasn’t acting like a King’s daughter. For yous who were there through it all everyday.. Thanks :) You know who you are. This goes to my mom as well. And for some, you might have seen a side of me you’ve not seen before. Umm.. I’m very sorry to trouble you, hope you can bear with me for a while.. I’m still a work in progress. Thanks again.


A few years back, after my breakup, I thought things couldn’t get worse. Turns out, life still has a lot in store to be thrown at you. Romance really isn’t everything, friends. I really learnt to value friendship. Time with family, I would do anything to be with them now. And be back by Sunday. Comparison brings you nowhere. There’s a grace for you where you are right now. So, don’t compare.


Friends definitely will fail you. They won’t be there for you forever. Therefore, look unto God only. He’s the Selfless Friend, who abandoned and gave His life for your good. Your Best Friend who is literally with you wherever you go. Dont get me wrong. My any means, make as much friends as possible. Just dont base your happiness on them. Rest, it’s important. Most of all, trust God.


I think I am going through a process now. Looking at January, I’m not excited yet. Gosh, when all this is over, I will be inexpressibly happy. I’ll float around the world.


But I guess, in the mean time, I better learn something in the process. God definitely is teaching something. Enjoy this unenjoyable process? By God’s grace, amen! Now, to the best part of each day: sleep. Where there’s nothing else you can do but relax and leave things to the next day and to God’s care. Bye people!

New Year Thank Yous - Glenn

So this little brother!!

Got to know him somewhere in the middle of this year… Prolly ard June, ard Phil’s graduation there.. (according to the earliest pic I can track in fb..)


Me, Glenn, Ghon

Thank you for being so loud and fun. When my mood is terrible, he always comes with his nonsense chit chat (without knowing that i’m in a very terrible mood) that would make me laugh and feel better. Thousands of time it happened and he might not know it cos I never told nor thank him. But now you do :)

He sees the good in someone and tells them. Which makes the person being told very happy. And in my case, thankful to the Lord :)

Such a gifted boy, always knowing what to say. As in, never run out of topics to talk about. Not all people can be like that man.

Then recently I found out that I can talk about more serious stuff with you. Starting when I was in KL, if you recall. Thanks for listening to me and thanks for trusting me as well :)

And the fistbump thing with this pose in the end..



..i actually enjoy doing it very much hahaha!

So see ya around!

New Year Thank Yous - Mardian

I just got to know this guy for less then a year. First knew each other in FA Anda, and now together in Sekia.

But he is such a vessel of God, a channel of Him. Times and times again when I feel down and depressed, he was just there strengthening me non stop, over and over and over again. Reminding me of Jesus, pointing me back to Him, His love, His promises.. Even now, this very moment I’m typing this :)

You made a difference in my life. Really. If I hadn’t gone through the problems I’ve gone through, maybe I wouldn’t know you this well. Though I still feel they are hard, yet this gives me a reason to be thankful.

Always there to talk (eventhough it sometimes took ages for you to reply), always knows what to say (basically pointing me back to Daddy)..

A good friend, a brother in Christ. Thank you! :D



00.40

replaced.


blessed.


tired.


strengthened.


undeserving.


loved.


pressure.


rest.


take courage.


fear not.


second best.


favorite.


enough.


held.


peace.

New Year Thank Yous - God

My first encounter with Jesus begins at the early age of around 6, introduced by my mom when she became my mother, cos she’s a Catholic.


Then, I guess I heard more about Jesus from school, during the religion subject.


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When I was around 8, I suffered from typhus, and therefore stayed in bed the whole day for days. Found nothing to do, bored by everything I’ve been doing, I suddenly decided to read the Bible (which I got from Komuni Pertama), which has always been lying around in my room but never touched. I read the first few chapters of Genesis.



After a few days, I notice in my heart that I feel peace. An 8 year old, for the first time felt a different kind of peace. I didn’t understand how it was there, I was just reading stories of the start of the earth and mankind and the big flood and boring genealogies.. After a few days, the typhus git worse and I needed to be hospitalized. Lost contact with my bible since then.


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Around 9 or 10, I remember one night, I just got scolded by my dad (and mom I think), and I was crying on bed at night. Emoing on how miserable my life was (my dad beats me up a lot back then). I cried myself to sleep a lot at that age. Then out of nowhere, this Jesus appeared in my mind, and I remembered from the books I read and religion lessons at school that this Jesus is a Father, and that He loves me. (Now I know it’s the Holy Spirit working.) But by then, I only know I felt loved. That if my dad and mom hated me, I have this other Dad which is God and I know He loves me. The feeling of being loved at that moment was overwhelming that my cry changed from a cry of sorrow to a cry of feeling undeservingly loved. I told Jesus how I felt. That was the first time I actually talked to the Lord. I fell asleep smiling with tears that night.


I kept talking to Him for a few days, or even weeks. Everywhere. At school, during lessons, in the car, especially at nights. I can’t wait for bed time cos that’s when I can talk to Jesus freely to sleep. This was when I was 9 or 10. Don’t underestimate how early your children can learn and feel Christ. It’s NEVER too young to start.


But I didn’t read the bible, didn’t go to any church, noone helped me to get to know this Jesus better and after some time, the passion faded and I was back feeling lost.


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Sec 1, I had a classmate named Gisella. One day, there was this crusade for teens by Mawar Sharon Church and she gave me an invitation.



I had no idea what a crusade was but I decided to come. There, I was exposed for the first time to people speaking in tongues. I’ve only heard of the concept, but never hear ppl actually speaking it. But I wasn’t afraid, and somehow I know without anyone telling me that this was the ‘speaking in tongues’ the bible was saying. That day, I was exposed to Jesus in such a different way then how I was exposed to Him growing up. It was lively and exciting, not boring and all rituals. He was so alive! I responded to the altar call, and wanted to continue attending whatever they have to offer, hungry for more.


But due to some reasons, eventually I didn’t continue attending the sunday school. (Eventually I found out that it was a sunday school) And again I lost contact with Jesus.


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At the age of 17, I was in a relationship. I thought I had it all. My long life mission uptil then was to have a boyfriend and now I have one. A kind, funny, loving one with an interesting history to tell.


But instead, I felt empty. A huge emptiness that even my relationship cannot fill in. Somehow, I know back then, I needed a god, a religion. Any will do. Just to fill in the spiritual side of life. And I remembered the Jesus I encountered years ago. My heart was naturally drawn to Him, and I begin looking around for a church. Any church.


I planned to walk around asking random schoolmates if they could take me to their church, and eventually I was asking Leo, a good friend of mine. When I was addressing to him that I needed a church, Ghon (by now everyone should know who she is) just happened to pass by behind me. Leo called her, and told her that I was looking for a church. And she seemed very thrilled (now I know why. A random girl asking to know about Jesus out of nowhere. I would be so happy to encounter that experience), and offered me to go to her church, which happens to be Mawar Sharon Church, the church I went to at sec 1.


That same Sunday, Ghon take me to church (Fire of God satellite), and that day I fell in love all over again with Jesus, and this time I plan to never ever let go of Him again. That day, I received Jesus as my personal God and savior, and forever saved. It was July 27, 2008. The very next week, I got baptized :D



This satellite was my first family in Christ. 




  • FOG back then :D

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It’s been over 3 years now since the day, and it was such a journey with Jesus! I can’t thank Him enough of the fact that He suffered bad and died for me (us), just so that He can be with me forever and ever in heaven, the fact that He caught me at His perfect timing, never left me through my ups and downs, everything that He IS, and what He’s done, I am thankful!!!


He restored my relationship with my family, changed me from the inside out, gave me friends in Him..



  • S43, when I first moved to Singapore


  • FOG, still my family when I come home during holidays :D


  • The first time friends ever surprised me at my home on my birthday (it’s the 19th).. And it’s by B19!! And it’s during my holidays from Singapore :D sweet ah.. Appreciate the time and effort!!


  • early days in TLG


  • FA ANDA!!


  • a later FA ANDA


  • beloved beloved people who took time to celebrate my birthday :’) I love you beyond words!


  • Early FA SEKIA.. 1st FA :D


  • Most complete pic of Sekia so far!

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Most of all, gave me Himself!



  • From this..


  • To this..

And now being with me all the time through the Holy spirit :)


So the first post of this New Year Thank Yous series is dedicated to Jesus Christ!


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More coming up! :D


G Nite!

that pattern in fb.

When a guy is interested in a girl, and she’s online, most of the time he’s online as well. when she goes off, most likely than not he’ll go off. It’s easy to track, proven right by my experience. yeah yeah yeah!

Not about KL

This day is that day where all moods are gone. It has completely nothing to do with the trip, it was awesome, it’s just hormones. If you understand what I mean.


I havent even blogged about my Shanghai trip. So I wonder when will I blog about this KL trip.


But, in a nutshell, Malaysia is a lot like Indonesia. The cities, the hygiene. Genting was fun, but the place kinda felt unmaintained. It felt old. If only they would take more care of their attractions. And it was COLD. I checked the weather on a website and it frikkin said 29 degrees celsius. L I A R. Hotel, although the room was humble, yet it was clean!! I appreciate that a lot. KL has lots of good food. Sunway was fun, also felt old, and some attractions smell. I liked the animal section a lot. Was like a zoo. God’s creations really are beautiful. Really! I was fascinated.


There were 2 attraction rides that I will probably will not forget in a very2 long time. Both require hanging upside down for a few seconds that felt multiple times longer. Both require you to be vulnerable, helpless, powerless, having your faith only on your safety equipment you are wearing. (Both with Mikey beside hanging upside down beside me.)


And amazingly Jesus could still teach me something out of it, that believing in Him is just like that.


You must understand how it felt. We really felt helpless. If anything goes wrong with the safety equipments, we’d be freefalling 10 meters smack to the ground. The trust you have is only, ONLY, with that thing over your head holding your shoulders. In my life I’ve never felt that helpless. There’s completely nothing I can do to save myself.


That is exactly it with trusting Jesus. First with my salvation, and next, with everything else. There is NOTHING we can do in ourselves to go to heaven. It’s all Jesus. It’s not what you’ve done, it’s what He’s done. Your noble deeds can’t save you, nothing of yourself can’t save you. Only the perfect sacrifice of Jesus can. I’ve known this for over a year now (the ONLY part), yet the attraction ride makes it that much more vivid, the reality of how helpless I am.


And next, with everything else. Times and times again I’ve been overwhelmed by life. Peer problems, relationships, family, loss, school, work, misunderstood, body issues, expectations, comparisons, confidence.. I know I am in no place to complain. Each of us has our own struggles. Some more I have the thinker side of me (as opposed to my adventurous side, proven by the experience of hanging upside down for some moment twice in a single trip.) I feel, I think, I analyze, especially when I am not in my best mood. I’m telling you I could drown in my emoness. Which I have just experienced today. Till I talked to a few precious friends who may not know themselves but has lifted my mood up :) thank yous.


This is one of the rides I took.



I had the shoulder thing securely fastened. But the higher it got, I know the wilder my hands tried to find something to grip. Which was completely ridiculous cos no matter what I hold on to or not hold on to, the only thing that matters is the shoulder safety thing. None of my works would’ve helped. At all. I might as well just relax and I still wont fall off. So, wether I panic or not, I won’t fall off. Might as well not panic and not fall off rather than panic and not fall off.


The lesson with Jesus. No matter if I panic and worry or not, things will work together for my good. So might as well not worry and trust Jesus my safety shoulder thing, and enjoy the thrill. Cos in the end everything will be alright. I’m not promoting laziness here. It is working, living life knowing that you will be alright in the end, rather than working and living life striving for alrightness. And I would say this, including to myself, since I am also a recipient here, “enjoy the thrill”. Not the monotonous boring ride. The thrill. When there are risks and you have no idea what will happen and it gets your adrenalin pumping and faith going and excitement rising. 


I’ll practice what I just shared before in my own life. How to see through all this, the good finished work of my Daddy Jesus. I am as much a reader as you are.


Now I’m about to sleep sooo.. Good nite! :) Hope you are blessed!


a note to someone: You might not even know I was upset with you months ago. But I was and it wasn’t an enjoyable feeling. However, that very day I got upset, I decided to forgive you. Yet I was still upset though you are completely forgiven. But now the upsetness is gone and you’re pure as snow though I still remember every bit of what happened. This message will change nothing cos you probably don’t know who you are. But just putting it here. peace out.

a quite long post.

Calendar:


  • Monday, 12: Went to doctor to check on my eyes

  • Tuesday, 13: CCIS Practice

  • Wednesday, 14: Make up test with Ci El

  • Thursday, 15: CCIS Practice

  • Friday, 16: model for Ci El’s make up exam, FA at night

  • Saturday, 17: model for Ci El’s portfolio, and there’s TLG CCIS performance at MBS (ard 6 is it? forgotten) and Mandarin Orchard (9pm) later at night! I won’t be in it but you can check it out :)

  • Sunday, 18: Caroling Practice

  • Sunday, 18 - Thursday, 22: Off to Genting and KL 

  • Thursday, 22 night: Caroling Practice

  • Friday, 23: FA

  • Saturday, 24: Caroling, Celebrate XMas w FA

  • Sunday, 25: XMAS!!

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I was under a lot of pressure lately. Since musical, anything related with school and design has been non stop. We have Musical, Phunk’s 100 friends, and Exercise 2 happening at the same time. Then we have assessment. Then we have ISP. Then, after ISP, I still have Transmission, which will be until march next year. Thinking that I’ll be under that pressure until next year is horror. And frankly I gave myself no break. After ISP, I immediately started working on Transmission.


It didn’t get to any dramatic point, I was just tired. And the one God used this time to talk sense to me was (unexpectedly) Ko Andri.



  • I don’t know if he’s okay with his face exposed here, so he’s somewhere in this pic. Good luck finding him.

On Tuesday, 13, I woke up somehow really tired and eneg of design, and I decided that morning that I won’t do anything design for a moment. It’s almost like I’m pissed. I don’t care anymore, I WILL REST.


Later at night, we just finished practicing at Macpherson. Everyone took bus home, except me and Ko Andri. So we talked talked talked, and he asked, “how are you lately? School? Everything alright?”


I would usually answer this kind of question with a simple “yes”. Firstly, it’s usually just a basa basi. Second, everything really is going fine. And if it isn’t, I was hoping that the “yes” will come true. But I don’t know what pushed me to not say “yes” that day and be brutally honest. I forgot my answer, but it ended up with me curcol-ing to him about how tired I was and everything. Which was funny cos I never talk about this kind of stuff with him.


So I blabbered non stop. (Thanks for listening ko!) He said I needed to rest and take a break. I realized I’ve been charging non stop since musical through this chat with him. And his suggestion to relax somehow totally made sense. I still have time until the deadline of Transmission, I totally have the time to take a break. Why didn’t I? I don’t know.


He told me to clean my room. Which makes perfect sense too. Everytime I walk into my room, it just reminds me of the pressure I have, therefore making me feel pressured again. My room used to be my perfect hideout. I don’t know when that changed. When I got home that night, I cleared my room and made everything that contributes to my pressure out of sight. Bye.


So, this space is dedicated to thank Ko Andri for listening and talking sense to me :) Shalom (y).


So, since Tuesday, I’ve been relaxing. Not thinking of anything, just enjoying my holiday. Watching Running Man, ANTM cycle 17, 90210, doing my quiet time, just relaxed.


The stressful thoughts would try to attack sometimes. But the thing that I always use to counter it was verses from the Bible. Things like, God will make everything work for good, God has His plans, God knows what’s gonna happen already, and the trust that He will be the one giving me the mood to draw again. (I used this method for last sem’s ISP. It’s just for Transmission, the stakes are higher, and my faith in Him wavered. So now, learning to trust Him again)


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On Monday, I finally checked my eyes to the doctor. On 22nd of November, I woke up with my eyes red. 



It got better after I put some eyedrops, but when I stopped putting, it became worse. Especially on the right eye. It would be so red, it’s scary. And I don’t know if you can imagine this, but the surface of my eyeballs becomes cloth like. When I peek to the right, the surface near the edges would crease due to the pressure, just like when you push a fabric to the center.


Something like this.



just a little smaller, white color, covered in red veins on the eyeball. Creepy.


I never thought pf checking myself to the doctor. The idea never crossed my mind. Thought of keep using optrex. Glenn and Alben were the first ones to suggest the idea. Still contemplating at that moment. Later at night, I searched google for the symptoms of my eye condition, and it seems to match with the symptoms of bacterial conjunctivitis.


It was itching like mad, had lots of belek when I wake up each morning, and each time I rub it, immediately it becomes swollen and red in the count of seconds. Bleah.


On Sunday, I went to church. The pastor was talking about healing, about trusting God’s faith instead of our faith. That moment, I felt something happen to my eye. But I wasn’t really sure wether something really happened, or I was just caught with the mood. But the whole day my eye was clear, It didn’t become red nor swollen at all.


However, I still checked myself to the doctor the next day, and the doctor said it was just my eyes being sensitive, no harm. Woah PTL man. I was very sure it was the conjunctivitis thing.


The medication the doctor gave caused drowsiness. Therefore, last night I slept at 11. Canyoubelieveme. 11. (when I usually sleep at at least 2 am) And woke up at (areyouready) 2.30 pm. I slept 15.5 hours. It covers the amount of sleep you need in 2 days. That’s crazy. So to do my sleeping time justice, I plan to sleep very little today.  


However, I dreamt of Gwang Soo last night and I felt sooooo happy ^^. We were on the beach, and we were friends. Aaaaaa~ <3 *float*


Okay, checking off now!! Buybuy!

bullbo

*copied from Ci Bombie’s blog.


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7 Random things about me:


  1. I like Gwang Soo

  2. I like ANTM

  3. I like holidays

  4. I am trying to be neat

  5. I like yawning

  6. I wish to have a supermodel body

  7. I used to hope peter pan exists

Questions:


Name your favorite color: Yellow


Name your favorite songs: For the Xmas season : Have yourself a merry little xmas


Name your favorite dessert: All that exists


What is annoying to you? Myself sometimes


When you are upset you: Roll around in bed and pray. Sometimes I try to cry, but usually fails. If you can cry easily u should kinda be grateful. It is a good way of letting things out.


Your favorite pet: I would love to have a tiger or something. I think it’s cool if I can relate to animals while other ppl can’t. Like tarzan.


Your biggest fear: Whenever Jong Kook appears on Running Man.


My best feature: My smaile :D


My everyday attitude: “life is shrt, why so serious ?” <- Not mine, it’s Ci Bombie’s. I decided to keep it there since I think it’s good.


What is perfection: “Jesus.” <- Also Ci Bombie’s. But I agree.


Guilty pleasure: I dont feel guilty after experiencing any pleasures.

4.25 am

my sleeping schedule is so far messed up. in a few minutes my aunt will be awake and i am not even a bit sleepy. though my body is tired.


You just don’t know what’s gonna happen in the future. you can plan, others can plan, but you just never know what will happen.


This uncertainty of the future is really worrying. The only antidote is the promises of God. God provides me what I need. Be it ideas, money, food, good friends, partner, love..


A friend is leaving Singapore soon and I am really kinda sad. For sure things will change, when I am pretty happy with how things are now. I’ve been picturing times and times again in my mind how it will be. Yet again, you’ll never know what will happen. Based on experience, it always turns out to be okay, and I’ll deal with it better then I thought I would.


Things hasn’t been easy lately. What I’m learning now is trusting God’s provision. He has provided, and everything is working for good!!


By the way, I’ve been watching Running Man and I’m totally smitten by Gwang Soo!!




He is super timid, but I think that’s his charm. I like how he’s always whole hearted in the things he does, honest and polite. He’s not the most handsome, but there’s where God is fair. The guys I like are mostly never the good looking ones. Teehee!


To make me sleepy, I shall listen to a sermon to bed. Bye everyone!!

Heylo.

I have a lot of honest things to say.


But it doesn’t matter.


God knows best. He prepares the best.

Surveytime

Out of all the people you have kissed, give me the initials of the best kisser: -


So, what if you married the last person you kissed?: -


What was the last thing you hid?: snacks


Have you ever had a really big fight with a best friend?: yea.. but not that big i guess


If you could spend more time with someone you used to be very close with, who?: a lot of names to be mentioned.. 


When will your next kiss be?: on the cheeks will be when i meet my dad


Did you ever like someone you know you shouldn’t have?: probably 


Who was the last guy you had a conversation with?: Mike


Do you plan on moving out within the next year?: nope. 


Last person you told a secret to?: Ghon i think 


What was the last thing to make you mad?: hmm not sure.. i’ve never been that mad for a long time..


What are you listening to at the moment?: motorbike sounds


Did you ever date the last person you kissed?: yep


What were you doing at 8:00 this morning?: Sleeping


Do you like to have long hair or short hair?: short. but trying it long now


If you were at reasonable age, would you prefer a baby boy or girl?: boy


What color shirt are you wearing?: white pink yellow with a cat in the middle


What are you doing tonight?: FA


Can you leave the house without makeup?: Yep


What do you want?: to get what i want


Who knows a dark secret or two about you?: hmm Ghon? 


Do you like Batman?: Meh


When was the last time you saw someone attractive?: Yesterday


Do you have any plans for the weekend?: Church


What do you always take with you?: Bb and wallet


Is there someone you will never forget?: Yep. 


What was the first thing you did when you woke up?: Pray


How are you right now?: Good


Do you currently have a hickey?: No


Are you gonna get high later?: No


Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?: Nope


What are you tired of?: Waking up late 


How late did you stay up last night?: 5 am


What will you be doing in 3 hours?: Watching movie


Have you ever been called heartless?: I guess so


Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the planet?: Hahaha no


Is there something right now that has you worried?: Nope


How old were you when you got your first piercing?: 6/7


What did you do today in detail?: Woke up, prayed, peed, ate pandan bun, drinking milk while tumblring.

berputar2

(will write in bahasa surabaya)


judul e gk ada hubungan mbek sg mau tak tulis.


tugas sudah selesaiii.. memasuki masa liburannn… namun masih tetep sibukkk…


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td habis baca blog e c jenita. ga nyangka dee isa krasa kyk gitu jg. d mataku de e kyk wes perfect pol. Jadi merasa punya teman :)


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Buat yg blm tau, saya ikutan jd apprentice nd phunk studio. Phunk tu kyk top2ane design d singapore. Isa masuk itu wes bersyukur pol.. namun tantangan2 bermunculan stlh masuk.. Gak pernah seumur idup krasa kayak gini..


inti e.. gak isa liak bakat.. liak sg kasi bakat.. liak Tuhan. N dari situ kerja keras.


pdhal pas kecil, nggambar itu sangat menggembirakan. sampek skarang juga seh.. tp lek gambare buat org lain, ada certain pressure.. lek gambar buat diri sendiri lak karepe dewe.. suka gak suka sembarangmu.. tp kebykan org malah suka seh PTL.. tp lek dikasi task suru nggambar gitu.. malah kebykan mikir.. trs isa buntu dll wes itu sg bikin gak enak..


1 hal sg ak percaya.. bertaun2 dari skr, lek inget2 masa2 apprenticeship ini, ak yakin ak gak akan nyesel..


Tuhannn… kuatkanlah anakMu ini.. hulalala.


Aneh ah nulis pake bhs sby.. enakan inggris..


Kangen rumahhh…


Pengen ngoceh2.. pengen gak mikir apa2.. N ke greja tiap hari.


Kangen mami.. Kangen papi juga.. haizooo

miss.

missing someone is quite an interesting feeling.


that being said, I miss you.

everytime..

.. my sight is not set upon the Lord, NOTHING goes right.


Things may, but my feelings won’t.


I am THAT dependent.


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*change topic.


This morning, woke up, and immediately felt something weird about my eyes, like it was swollen. Went to the mirror, here’s what I see.



I honestly thought it was kinda cool, felt like Edward (Cullen) for a moment there.


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*change topic


Went to 29:11’s first performance at blujazz. Ci Janet was amazing. Gemi and Alben too. Crazy good man, they all. The rest was cool too but since I only knew those 3, I only paid attn to them. Anyway, was an entertaining night :)


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OK, shall do my HW again. Bye world.

can we

talk?

Jacob black on giving

The giving selflessly I talked abt I think can be seen in Jacob Black, in a way. Even when Bella has alrd married Edward, Jacob still wanted to protect her.
Tho his heart was broken by her, he can still do that. He has no hope for gaining Bella’s love now, but still has her good in mind. What a friend :)

giving.

A thought just crossed my head. A few hours ago. It’s still a fresh young thought (and questions) about giving. I realized, if I traced my days, lately I have been experiencing experiences related to giving. Starting from Tuesday, to be more accurate.


An old uncle came to me. I think he has been walking around, blatantly asking money from people. He didn’t even make himself look sad or in need or anything. Very straight forward. Came to me and asked, “would you give me some money? For eating..”


For a second there I was astonished by him, how straight forward he was. So I took my wallet and gave him what I thought was an appropriate value for a meal. He took it, his eyes widened, looked me in the eye, and asked, “this much?


My. That question broke my heart. I just looked him back in the eye and said, “yes.” He thanked me a few times, said God bless you, and left.


I can buy myself a dinner with that amount of money. For me it was a standard dinner. And PTL I know I can still afford a more expensive one. I don’t know what it meant for him. Guarantee that he will have something to eat the next day? That “this much?” question shows that it means a lot to him. Way more than what it could mean to me that time.


THEN, I still got time to think.. That money is what aunty gave me for dinner.. Now I have to use my OWN money to buy dinner.. Then the next second I was like what are you thinking Kim =.= I can’t believe my flesh, how could I have that kind of thought? After what just happened?



PTL The Holy Spirit reminded me straight away. That money was NOT mine. It is His. And I am blessed to be a blessing. It’s not that the amount was “little”. It was the fact that it wasn’t even mine to begin with. None is! I have noooo right to think that way. Yet PTL I didn’t continue with condemning myself. 


But then, this leads me to thinking of another type of giving. The one I’m experiencing now is in giving a friendship. I think giving money and not receiving anything in return from the person you give is pretty normal, if you have the heart to. But giving your time and trust in someone.. I dont think it’s as easy.



eg:


  • The one you trust might not trust you as much. 

  • The friend you like might not like you as much. 

  • The one you find important might not find you important as much. 

  • She’s your number one, you might not be hers. 

  • You tell him all your stories, he might not tell his back, tho he was a good listener. 

  • You would wake up in the middle of the night for him, he might not. She might be your number one, you might be her number two. Not bad, but not equal, as expected.

  • the list goes on..

I think it’s normal for a human being to have a certain expectation in a friendship, or a relationship even. But we must remember remember remember that that person is bound to fail us. It’s just a matter of time. They are homo sapiens. Humans.


Is it possible to give, and never expect anything in return AT ALL? Well, Jesus died for us, knowing that not all of us would want to take benefit from it. I mean, if I die for a person, that person better not waste my death and make full use of it.



I think life would much easier if we can do that. I havent really think this through but I know I have been disappointed when people dont value me as how I valued them. And i know I have disappoint ppl too for not raising up to their expectation.


So, I think I am learning right now. I can give because I’ve been given everything by the Lord in His Son. In fact, I shall give merely because of that reason. I can serve because I’ve been served. I can care because I’ve been cared about. I think, if I can sincerely give a friendship, caring for them, being there for them, taking their tantrum when they are not at their best, understanding through their emo times, accepting them at their worst.. I think my life would be easier. Well I think it’s what we all should do since it’s what Jesus has done to us. We must REALIZE and have that revelation that it’s what Jesus has done to us!


I don’t know about you but I sure know I am a recipient of that grace. I have screamed to God, I have been crying to Him, I’ve told Him that I have no mood of reading the Bible, I have asked Him to wait when I know He wants to talk.. But never once have I been disappointed by Him. Life disappoints, He never does. He is always there, with His love and mercy. If I were God, our friendship would’ve probably ended a long time ago. Or maybe still be on talking terms, but I’ll surely keep that distance since I dont want to be hurt anymore.


But I thank God He is GOD!! All loving, always forgiving. Everytime I came back to Him, He was all about acceptance.. “..For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.” - Heb 8:12. And He still gave his ALL, never making a distance.


So yeah, this giving selflessly.. I don’t know if it’s going to be easy, or if this is even possible, but it sure has become one of my aims in life.


So this is my fresh brewed thought of this topic. I think I’ll learn some more. Soo TTYL :)

kakak kandung.

Another guy that i consider as one of my pretty good guy friend is this guy.



Name: Chilwin Theodoroes.

Nickname:  Awen

Age: My age + 1

Height: 185 ish ++? One of the rare species of guys who is WAY taller then me when we sit down.

Our mad friendship can be traced back to when I was 15. Which was 5 yrs ago. (wow. It’s been that long man)



He’s the giant on the LEFT (there are 2 giants in this pic).

We know each other through Ragnarok Online.



(pic frm Tony’s fb)

That time, I was a hawt hunter named Caramelle.



and he was a gunslinger named ~ A w e n ~ or something.



Then turned out he was my senior at school.

Then, I joined DOP, our ccRO guild back then. Thanks to Vivi! :D ccRO (Cute Cow RO) is an RO private server, GM: Ko Roy, also my Senior.

Then we all went to Tony’s villa. That’s when I really got to know the members of the guild. One night during the trip, I rmb he attempted to guitar us to sleep, but failed. None of us fell asleep. He’s mad good at playing guitar too! Talk about multitalented. Then, me, him, wie, and bandi walked ard Tony’s villa in the middle of the night.. LOL memory still fresh! :D And the capsa 9pm - 5am nonstop.. *drool (Since then I always bring a pack of playing card everywhere. Hence my nickname back then: Capsa Girl)

On the same trip I got extremely mad at him.. that I remember too! We now laugh about it when we talk about it.. :)

Then, we started going out as a guild together. A lot. There was this 10 days in a row we went out. It was mad fun :D I sincerely miss those days.

And.. He can drift. The ones where the tires would make that sound. I rmb us drifting (well he drifted, the rest just enjoyed) at the basement of PTC’s parking lot, on PTC’s rooftop parking, idk where else :D And of course, the memories of BATTLE GEAR!!



*ehm* presenting to you the one and only drift girl.

Edited this pic of him.



Out of the series of DOP male.



Went to WBL.. and Vivi’s villa.. I remember, in the airport when we sent Tou off, Tou walked in the departure door. I forgot what I did or say, but it caused Awen to think  I wanted to say something to Tou. He shouted Tou’s name and called him loudly back. Small memories are starting to pop into my head..

We also usually decor our school for events together. With Vivi, Titi, Andre, Evan, Yoyo, donno who else.. I think all of us were in the DKV team together!! :D led my Ce Marina!! Aaaahhh memoriess…

Then, after I repented, rmb him calling me “evangelist” all the time.. hahaha!! But didn’t flee as my friend :)

He takes very nice pics, and was the fastest rubiks cube solver in surabaya.. or indonesia? He solved it within seconds man.. Mad. He was the one who thought me how to solve rubiks cube too.

And he accompanied me buying my first ever DSLR.. thus deserve the very first proper non testing shot:



And the seller mbak asked me “kakaknya ya mbak?”. We burst out in laughter. I think it’s cute when ppl think we are siblings. That incident hence the nickname “kakak kandung”.

And taking pics for Putu..

yadda yadda yadda.. the story goes on..

.

So why post about this guy?

.

Coooosss..

He’s coming to Singapore next week!!

Am excited! :D

See you soon bro!! :D

this was meant to be a short post.

Sometimes I think that I can’t hide my feelings well. Sometimes it just shows. When I’m sad it shows, when I’m happy it shows. When I’m annoyed, when I’m exited, when I’m uninterested or interested. Although not all the time (I think. I think during formal occasions or when really needed I can suck it up.)


Sometimes I really need my mom. I miss the days when I’m just a little girl. She was a supermom, she is always there, always able, so perfect. Now I can only BBM her, and sometimes it takes ages for her (or anyone. Including myself) to reply.


It’s been two years since I first moved here. Away from the ones I call family, blood related or not. I would say thanks to TLG. They make it a lot easier. They make Singapore homey.


My life is definitely not boring. Entering FA Anda, being a singer for the first time at YRC, WL in FA (for the first time also), knowing what grace is, the FA split, the musical, from audition to performance, and drawing the 28 slide, dealing with the weirdest peoples I’ve ever met, liking people, the Transmission and 100 friends with Phunk, finding a collaborator, having an internship, doing my first real freelance, all that and school work, exercises, assessments, ISPs, dealing with lecturers, going to Shanghai, taking a look at the most beautiful sunset and that crazy car ride; all that and more in a year.


I learnt a lot. I tasted what stress was like. It was terrible. Life really could be stressful. Before this year, “stress” was just a word for me. The worst feeling I’ve felt before was the day I turned single again in 08, and the months following. I thought it couldn’t get worse. I was so wrong man. Now I kinda understand why people would commit suicide and stuff. Then there’s depression, and what what the list goes on, things I don’t ever want to experience. We really are living in a broken down world.


But then, if I am experiencing it, then I can overcome it. 



No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. - 1 Cor 10:13



This verse really is true. And a lot of other verses comes to life also this past year.



Never will I leave you; 
   never will I forsake you.” - Heb 13:5b



I learnt what this verse really means. How to hold on to it.



And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. - Rom 8:28



This verse is another verse I hold onto all the time.


The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing. - Ps 23:1

Surely your goodness and love will follow me 
   all the days of my life.. - Ps 23:6a


I am calling up memories of your sincere and unqualified faith (the leaning of your entire personality on God in Christ in absolute trust and confidence in His power, wisdom, and goodness).. - 2 Tim 1:5a



Gosh.. How glad I am that I’m in Jesus! How not to fall in love? Living in a world like this without the Lord — who says He will NEVER leave me (means no matter what He’ll stay with me and keep loving me) — who can tahan? I sure cannot. Without Christ, the future is blur without guarantee. But we have the promises of God to claim, Someone to hope on, “..and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” - Rom 5:5


What a relief! Going through tribulations, this verse comes to live. Even when my feelings are emo, God’s promise still stands firm! It’s there, not wavered by my feelings and mood. I’m thankful to have Someone to look onto and trust forever. It’s just the matter of keep remembering that I have that Person, cos sometimes when it’s getting tough, the feelings overwhelm and I tend to worry and forget that He’s there. Then, when I finally come to Him, He is always already there with His embrace :)


This is just one of the reasons to love Him. How not to? Jesus is not a religion. He is love. I am not religious. I am in love.

its three eh em

and i’m bloooooooooooogging.


I’ve changed my idea for ISP a thousand times. oh david say yes.


Today was the first sunday in these few weeks that I didn’t see any TLG ppl. And it actually wasn’t as weird as I thought. As long as I never step out of the house.


I guess today was the most fruitful out of the ISP days. I actually created something on com. God bless me man, I havent confirmed my idea with david.


Btw David is my lecturer.


.


It’s late. Shall go read some books. buybuy :)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tv5z7A3qb8

11.11.11

It’s one of the most historical dates and i spent the whole day on bed. asleep. 


Thank goodness on 11.11 pm i wasnt still on bed. was with my FA :) Wouldnt want to spend that second anywhere else in Singapore. 


So, happy 11.11.11!!


.


You know, in one point of your life, or maybe a few points, you will find something is just not worth it. I mean really find it. And that moment, you don’t have to force yourself anymore. Your feelings will flow naturally finding it not worth it, and you can let go.


Like a prayer being answered. It feels good.


And yes, if you’re guessing, I felt that way recently. It was just like that. Snap, and it’s gone and I’m happy. And thank God I listened to my dear Ghon. Did what she told me to do, and the whole situation of that thing that i did opened my eyes. The whole situation makes sense.


So, yeah. To “it”: a big fat BYEBYE. I deserve better.


.


I once had a leader. Her name is Linda, I call her Ce Linda. I cannot not mention her in my walk with Jesus. She was a huge part of it. She was at the very beginning of it. She prayed for me for my first prayer of speaking in tongues. She was the one my dad wanted to hunt down (weird. Who is against his daughter repenting when he himself is a believer? But Thank God not anymore.) She was the one I called in the middle of the night when things go bad. She made me feel loved. She literally was a channel of God’s love. I loved her like my own sister. Noone I’ve ever met uptil now is as lembut as her. It’s almost impossible to imagine her angry.


Now she’s getting married. Her future husband better take care of her man. He gets to see her everyday and I get to miss her as she leaves.


It’s really sad that I can’t contact you like I used to. I seriously miss you. I can’t be there at your wedding. *silent moment*


Anyway, please HAVE A HAPPY LIFE!! In Christ, you deserve it :) You were such a bright light to me and many others, and I know you will continue to be one. Remember, you are a princess of God, her beloved favorite daughter, fully redeemed, overpaid by our Daddy Jesus :) Remember that you are loved, by God and by us. I hope I will meet you again!


Here she is:



we were having a barbecue that night with anak2 Remasa. I was so happy :D my first ever family in Christ. And people kept saying we look alike. I was very very happy everytime I hear that :D


I know she’s human and imperfect. But seriously, as a leader for the period she was “officially” my leader, she has NEVER disappointed me. Even if she has, there’s none that I can remember now. Again, she’s not perfect. Maybe if we stayed together for a bit longer, she might have. But reality is she has never. Just sayin.


I have amazing leaders now. Amazing. In lots of different ways. But she was the pioneer, the first. She has a certain place in my heart allocated to her.


I thank God for sending you. He knows just what type of person who could handle me at my early stage of repentance. You are such a special person. I can keep going on talking about you and thanking God for having you in my life :) Have a happy marriage ce!!! See you soon :D 

k.

had another idea. hope its approved tmr.

my my..

2 consultation didn’t go well. Some more david wants a presentation tmr with mahjong paper.


My brain pretty clogged now. WIll take a guitar and worship.


:) best retreat.

Plans.

My humble plan for today was actually to stay at home and do homework. It changed when I received a certain SMS that I shall not mention what it is about (because if some certain people know what I did I will kena scold one so it shall remain confidential).


Went to that place I needed to go to and did what I needed to do, with my loyal sidekick accompanying (he’s having his 4 hours break and was terlunta lunta. So I kindly allow him to join me).


Then, because that location was near Ikea, I decided to go there as well since I was looking for a bookshelf. Found what I needed in Ikea, but it was too heavy to carry around. Sidekick said, after work he could help me bring the thing home. So I waited for him for 3 hrs until he finish his work. Brainstormed for ISP during that period. Now come to think of it, why didn’t I just go ahead and buy it and take a cab home, since in the end, later that night we also took a cab home. No diff. -,-


So I sat at McD Marina Square for 3 hours, sketch3. Then at 8 went back to the hotel, just to see him in his uniform. Not bad, mate. Then we went back to Ikea and bought the thing.


He really carried the thing around for me. Appreciate it, bro.


Looked for somewhere to eat dinner. Ikea’s resto was closed, so we ate at xinwang. Sidekick forgot where it was so we needed to take unnecessary turns. Pity him carrying that heavy bookshelf set.


At xinwang, I chose the beef what udon, the pic looks nice. But turned out it tasted bleah. No mood to eat and I felt drained due to the confidential stuff I did. Should have just ordered porridge or something. Something easy to digest.


Funny intermezzo: Everytime sidekick raised his hand to call the waitress, none noticed and responded (unlike when I do that. Someone would respond). Hahaha!


We talked about some stuff. There’s a particular one I find very very interesting. But I’ll keep it confidential as well.


Then, after the battle with udon (in the end Sidekick pulled the bowl away from me since I think it was obvious I didn’t enjoy the meal at all and was forcing myself to finish the whole thing), we took a cab home. Gosh.. cashflow going pretty wild these few days. Thank God I just got my paycheck from boss :D


In the cab I was too drained to even talk. Sat there quietly like a piece of donno what. Pretty tired lady. (I think this two activities should not be combined together. Doing that confidential thing I did and strolling around Singapore).


Reached home at 11.30. Sidekick helped me carry the bookshelf set. Told him I can carry by myself but him being a good sidekick insisted to help. Makasih mas. Matur nuwun.


Then, in the room, I decided to ensamble the bookshelf (after I took my shower of course). Did it, and succeed beautifully :) It’s now part of my room.


So, yeah2. That was today :) chaoo

Long time nvr fill in this type of q

Belle (6)
[ ] You’ve kissed someone your friends didn’t like
[ ] You’ve been lost in the forest
[x] You love to read
[ ] You are not shy at all
[x] One of your family members is a bit weird
[x] You have done volunteer work
[x] You have a wild imagination
[x] You love to take care of people in need
[ ] You’ve had guys like you only because they think you’re pretty
[x] You’ve rejected at least one person when they’ve asked you out


Rapunzel (5)
[ ] You’re an orphaned child or have an evil step-mother
[x] You have many different hobbies to keep you busy
[x] You can get really bored
[ ] You have very long hair (at least mid-back length)
[ ] Your hair is bright blonde
[x] You’re an artsy person
[ ] You’re childish
[ ] You can’t wait to stop the same routine each day and start living
[x] You care about others and their feelings 
[x] You like to follow the rules


Alice (5)
[ ] You have/had a pet rabbit
[x] You love to play cards 
[ ] You constantly know the time 
[x] You get in sticky situations
[ ] You have been to a court
[x] You have fallen asleep while doing homework
[ ] You have had a tea party
[x] You like hats 
[x] You’re late
[ ] You know how to play croquet


Jasmine (6)
[x] Your dad is rich (AMEN)
[x] You are very clever (AMEN AGAIN)
[ ] You’ve been with someone way different from you
[x] You’re unique and different from everyone else
[ ] You’d never marry someone just because they were rich
[ ] You have set a lot of goals for yourself
[x] You don’t have a lot of (good) friends
[x] You’re independent
[x] You are wealthy (AMEN AGAIN)
[ ] Your parents try to control your life


Megara (3)
[ ] Your boyfriend is strong
[ ] You have gotten involved with the wrong people before
[ ] You are very convincing
[x] You have fallen in love before
[x] You have had your heart broken
[ ] You find an interest in Greek mythology
[ ] You lie sometimes
[ ] You pretend to be someone you’re not
[x] You have been used
[ ] Purple is one of your favourite colours


Ariel (4)
[ ] Your parents expect a lot from you
[ ] You really try to follow the rules, but it’s hard for you
[x] You’re a bit of a trouble maker 
[ ] You’re the youngest in your family
[ ] You have a lot of sisters
[ ] You collect something
[ ] You have/had long hair
[x] You are adventurous
[x] You’re extremely curious
[x] You believe everything people tell you/you’re a bit gullible


Aurora (6)
[x] You live/have lived with someone other than your parents
[ ] You almost died at a very young age
[x] You are gentle, loving, and/or thoughtful (AMEN)
[x] You have a decent singing voice 
[x] You like to sleep in late on the weekends
[x] You spend most of your time outside
[ ] You’re adopted
[x] You’re very romantic
[ ] Pink is one of your favorite colors 


Cinderella (4)
[ ] You are expected to do a lot of chores
[x] You love to dress up
[x] You love animals
[x] You are waiting patiently for your Prince Charming
[ ] Your mom is really strict
[ ] You have sisters who seem kind of jealous of you
[x] You’re afraid to speak your mind sometimes
[ ] You have left your shoes at a friends house before
[ ] You have blond hair


Snow White (5)
[x] You know that you’re beautiful (amin lah)
[ ] Sometimes it seems like your mom is jealous of you
[ ] You’ve almost been killed
[ ] You have at least seven good friends
[x] You’ve had food poisoning 
[x] You have/had short hair
[ ] You get along with almost everyone
[x] All of your friends are different
[x] You love to have a good time
[ ] You’re happier when you’re out of the house than in


Tinkerbell (0) *good. i never liked her anyways.
[ ] You get jealous easily 
[ ] You loved your childhood
[ ] You like to fly
[ ] You believe in magic 
[ ] You’re 5’2 or under
[ ] You hate pirates
[ ] You love sparkles
[ ] People underestimate you
[ ] You get angry easily
[ ] You have/had a treehouse

Pocahontas (6)
[x] You love to walk around and explore big cities
[ ] You are more spiritual than religious
[ ] You’ve been in an interracial relationship
[x] One of your family members is dead
[ ] Your parents are very protective of you
[ ] Someone you know has been in war 
[x] You love nature 
[x] You have/had black hair
[x] You would love to move somewhere exotic and beautiful
[x] You’re very adventurous


Mulan (7)
[x] You can be a tomboy sometimes.
[x] People wish you could be a bit more girly 
[x] You’ve pretended to be someone you’re not
[ ] You’ve had a physical fight with someone
[x] You have/had considered running away from home
[ ] Your parents try to plan your life out
[x] A lot of your friends are boys
[x] You sometimes find yourself in bad situations
[x] You love your family so much that you’d do anything to protect them


moolan!

November 7th, 2011

When the day started, I was still awake. Think I was reading Raditya Dika’s book. Full of nonsense yet pretty entertaining. Chatted with a few ppl on facebook.


You know, human beings can be very interesting. I’ve known a few species of interesting people. Good interesting, weird interesting.. Sometimes the weirdness is beyond what I can discern and grasp. And this type of people really does exist. So weird that it’s entertaining to a certain extent. 


Went to bed around 2.30 am, woke up at 9, then extended to 11.30. In between that period, I had one of my more interesting dreams. Dreams can be frightening, forgettable, whatever. This one is definitely categorized as interesting. There’s Cia2 in it, a random angmoh guy I don’t even know, and a few TLG people.


And in my dream I was in a relationship. Kinda forgotten how it felt like. The dream reminded me of it. There was definitely happiness. That happiness, I will only let myself feel with the right guy.


I definitely still disagree with guys chasing after more then one girl. You might beg to differ, it’s up to you. I agree with what Cici F said. Sure guys can explore. Explore first, then choose one. And pursue her, man. And while exploring, don’t mislead girls into feeling like she is being pursued. You think it’s cool meh, showing your interest in a few girls at once? Trust me it just shows the complete opposite.


Woke up cos mama called. Was 11.30. Straight away went to bathe, then had my quiet time. Had indomie for lunch, and then brainstormed for ISP. Feeling stuck, I decided to watch the “Meditate” sermon by Joseph Prince while brainstorming.



Interestingly, it was inspiring. Got a storyline for my ISP in just two hours. And I have been thinking of it for days o,o


Ps Prince is one of the funniest pastors I’ve came across. He would joke around on stage, about himself, about his pastors (esp Ps. Mark), about the Bible Characters. He’s relatable. And he looks damn young man. Here he is:



and he is


freaking


47


years old.


Can you believe it.


Really man. May our youth be renewed like the eagles. AMEN.


Later, we planned to watch “In Time”. We being me, Mardian, Christine, and Mikey. Before that, we ate at Wee Nam Kee chicken rice. It was GOOD. Should eat there again, man. Too bad when we came, the roasted chicken was finished. Sorry for being late, ppl :(



The movie has an interesting concept. I think it’s original. 


AND AMANDA SEYFRIED IS SUPER PRETTY CAN. She is GORGEOUS. Like, SUPER PRETTY. Even I as a girl love seing her face. Her eyes are huge. Perfect lips. Gosh! And that Mykey kept saying the girl from footloose is prettier. 



Guys. But yeah she’s hot.


STILL.


I love Amanda. She pretty and classy and cute. Perfection.




she’s gotten skinnier.


a zit. so what.



preettaaaaayyyyy



her smile!! :D




k enough of her gorgeousness.


I was admiring her so much that Mardian said sth like “udhlah kamu juga cantik”. Lol probably my que to shut up already :P but AMEN TO THAT BROTHA.


And ppl if you’re looking for a solitude place to watch movies, Shaw Balestier would be perfect. Not much ppl :)


Took a cab home. I rmb laughing like crazy in the cab when Mikey requested me to tell my dream I mentioned earlier to him. It was funny, the dream. Laugh worthy. Had a good laugh all the way to my room.


K good nite!! shall not sleep but signing off :) GB!