Midnight Ramblings.

I've always thought, "perhaps it could happen."

Two years ago, two months ago. The same thought with minuscule difference.

"Maybe God is planning for us to go our separate ways for now, to prepare us for the future."
"Maybe this time apart would forge our feelings to become stronger towards each other when we eventually get together."
"Maybe God is preparing us to be better for each other."
"Maybe he is thinking this way too."
"Maybe he is thinking of me too."
"Maybe this is hard for him too."
"Maybe."

Then another wave of thoughts rushed in.

"What if he realizes I'm not the one he wants to be with?"
"What if we were never meant to be together in the first place?"
"What if I'm not good enough?"
"What if there's someone else?"

That last question would throw me off. The thought that another woman is in the picture of what I thought consists of two people is suffocating. I still remembered the day I found out my ex had another girlfriend. The thought that you are replaceable is very much painful.

"But he wooed me first. What made him lose interest? Why would he attempt to make me fall for him if in the end he would just leave me?"

"He just didn't like you that much. If he did, he would've fought for you."

"But I was sure he liked me!"

"Well, you're wrong, woman."

"Maybe I should've responded more. If only I weren't so shy. Maybe I should've just texted him that day. If I had done things differently.."

"Maybe. But it's too late anyway."

So I learnt to deal with it, two years ago and two months ago. There's nothing else you can do. It's pretty much impossible if God doesn't interfere. He's gone. He's gone. He's gone.

"Lord, send me someone else, or take the feelings away. This is too much."

I don't know why it took so long. Why it took that much hope and pain and tears, just for one person that never happened. But I guess I've come to terms with the idea that we could possibly never be together, and for once, I'm fine with it. It doesn't hurt imagining that I'll see you walking around holding someone else's hand. Or laughing enjoying your time with her. Heck, I would be happy for you. I guess Jesus granted the latter part of that wish.

So yeah. I think I'm ready to take that offer I once thought was impossible. I think we can be friends.

Peace out.

How the Throat Finally Healed.

Note: This was written two weeks ago, so just add two weeks to all the time reference mentioned :)


So so so so.

I've been sick 3 weeks ago right. And it's been haunting me ever since. On the previous post I went to the doc and he gave me antibiotics and the pain went away for like 5 days. Then it came back the next Sunday, after I served at Bethany's third service (no hard feelings, church). I think my singing technique wasn't correct yet or something, it apparently upset my throat. And so, ironically, after serving at church, the sore throat came back in full force.

The next day, which was a Monday (6/4), I went to a different doctor. He said it was a viral infection, and he gave me another set of meds. That set finished that weekend, which was last Sunday (12/4), and I knew I wasn't fully healed yet. The lingering pain was still there.

And so, the week after (13/4 onwards), this has been happening:

I would wake up usually with no or minor pain, and it would go away after a glass of water or so. BUT, as the day draws to an end, my throat would for whatever reason HURT AGAIN. I don't know if it's because I've talked too much, or was it because something I've eaten or drunk, or the virus just went super saiyan, it would just hurt every night before bed.

So each night, for the whole week, I would go to sleep worried wondering if it would still hurt when I wake up. If it hurts in the morning, chances are it won't get any better and eventually I'd have to meet the doc again. And you have to understand that it has happened twice to me within two weeks. It was kind of traumatic. I blasted myself with Pei Pa Koa and Strepsils and tubs of water.

That Thursday (16/4, the fourth day of this cycle), we had to practice for this week's TLG service, which meant I had to sing. As mentioned in the first paragraph, the last time I sang, it sent me straight back to the doctor. I came to practice a little unsettled, and I tried to go easy on my vocal chords, doing my best to use my diaphragm or whatever was supposed to be the proper way of singing hoping that it won't upset my throat, but nevertheless, as expected, I went home with a more intense pain compared to the days before.

On Friday, I woke up with a slight pain which thankfully went away with a few glasses of water. That was such a relief considering the amount of pain the night before. I even took a few spoons of ice cream after lunch (I'm ashamed of my willpower), and it was fine. That night, me and Huyen went to the Affordable Art Fair. It was still fine. Then we had dinner. Then it was not fine.

I ate freaking noodle soup, and my throat went hurting again afterwards. It was so frustrating. I went back home and gulped water like.. *thinking of a phrase*.. Just a lot of it. Couldn't sleep till 4 am that night, and throat was still hurting when I fell asleep eventually.

Saturday came about and I woke up with no pain, which was good. Went to church for the workers prayer meeting and stuff, and we had a little time to practice afterwards.

5.30 came about, and the service started. I've always enjoyed leading worship and that day was special because I haven't been doing it for 3 months, and so I've missed it so much. My energy level was way up there, and I went all out and just enjoyed myself, forgetting the throat issue for a moment.

My voice was a little husky after singing for almost an hour, and I quickly took a piece of Strepsils. We went for dinner afterwards and I had another bowl of noodle soup. Craving for some desserts, we had Llao Llao afterwards. Went back at around 11 pm, turned on my Imac, chatted with friends, drew a little, and I realized something past midnight.

There. Was. No. Pain.

Like, really nothing. My throat was as calm as the Dead Sea. I swallowed my saliva millions of time just to make sure the throat feels no sensation, and really it didn't. It was not normal because just the night before it was hurting, and I've just used it full force for an hour during Praise and Worship.

It was healed. Miraculously.

I expected a slow healing process. Like slowly my immune system would finally wake up and decide to fight whatever invading virus there is. And I really was expecting the worst after singing. Faith level was at 0. And God came through.

It was the best timing possible. Getting healed after an enjoyable all out Praise and Worship.

So God, isn't it? :)