A star.

Twinkle twinkle.

An illustration for one of my project.

This is Betelgeuse. 

It's a star, just like our sun. Just way bigger.

You can fit 1 billion suns in Betelgeuse.

That's 1.000.000.000. With 9 zeros.

The sun is not even a a pixel here. Can't see it.

And yet it just twinkles cutely in our night sky.

290413

I've got nothing to say.

I just wanted to type.

Today I went to class and the lecturer wasn't there. Turned out there was no class. There was an announcement in our class facebook but somehow my smartphone didn't notify me. So there I was in class.Thank God Zie was there too.

So we actually did some work. There wasn't a lot of people in class, so it was quiet and peaceful, and it was actually very nice! I really enjoyed it.

Anyway. How would I describe my life now?

Actually, I'm starting to enjoy my project. Which seemed to be a little late considering this might be the last two week of school. But still, it came, right? I'll never understand God's timing. Amazing.

I currently have a bunch of unanswered questions. Like seriously. I do not understand. what. is. going. on. But I guess I'll know in time. Either that, or all this will just become insignificant. At some point, it will lose its appeal and I just won't bother. I hope either happens soon.

Currently loving The Script songs. Plus Ordinary People by John Legend.

Sigh. I'm not gonna fake it and say everything is bright and beautiful. No, these are tough times. I reread my tweets, comparing it to how it was like around 8 months ago, and I can clearly see the difference.

Yet God is amazing when using times like these. He reveals a lot of things. I think it's because I kept running back to Him to confide. That's where I get all the revelation and inspiration to write on my TRUST series. Hours around midnight are always the toughest, cos I'll then be in my room. Alone. Chatting with some good people if any are online.

Yesterday, I just randomly chatted Marcell and Ko Pe, a friend and leader from FOG, my Surabaya Church. And I haven't talked to both for so long! Especially Ko Pe.
But they really are awesome. Listened to my rubbish rant all the way, and what they said just so lifted my mood. Joked around, being funny, and somehow shifted my focus back on Jesus.. Actually smiling when typing this. I miss FOG.

And yesterday was Ko Dachan's birthday (Happy Birthday again, Ko!!), so wished him happy birthday online, and ended up chatting for a little while about some random stuff. Even that lifted my mood.

So last night I slept in peace.

I know God ordained all that. None were a coincidence. The person I wanted to talk to, or randomly ending up talking to, or talked to me, God foreknew all. And He knows it will cheer me up. All these little seemingly simple means of cheering me up that He scatters everywhere.. How awesome.

What usually happened to me was the peace of the night, more likely then not, won't carry out throughout the next day. A lot of things will distract me. That's where I learn to resurrender myself again, each day. Grace is fresh, new everyday. I can't continue based on yesterday's stock, I need a new fresh dose, daily.

So yeah, that's the update of my life. And what I've learnt from God.

Abrupt end.

Good night!

TRUST 7: Respond.

One verse (well technically it's 3 verses..) that has been speaking to me is Matthew 6:30-33, MSG.

If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? 
What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. 
People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. 
Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. 
Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

The whole paragraph is so beautiful. You might be having your own revelations of Him by now.

But one sentence I'd like to zoom in to is this.

"..to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving."

I got this verse a while back. Might have shared it with a few of you. But here's the reason they call the Bible, "the living word of God". It's alive. I looked into it again and it speaks new stuff to me.

Humans live to get. Get food to eat. Get good scores. Get a job. Get a house. Get a partner. Get friends. Get love. Get everything.

During your birthday, you expect to get some gifts. From your spouse, you expect to get time and attention. Your parents, well.. Time and attention too I guess. From your kids.. respect. A bonus from your company. Praise when you've done something well. That scholarship. That promotion. I don't know. The list never ends.

And when you fail to get, you get disappointed. 

And guess what, you will get disappointed, cos it's dirt you are dealing with. Your fellow humans? They are made of dirt. All dirt. Or dust, some might say. Oh so imperfect.

And you expect to get anything from your species? Yeah, you will get something.
Get disappointed. Hurt. And all their sorts.

I'm not saying that it always happens that way. Look around, lots of people are happy getting. But us humans are such a weak foundation. It's just a matter of time before we disappoint each other.

Now, friends, all along, while your head and hands are busy trying to get, God has been giving non stop. You just don't see it. Cos you're so preoccupied with that other thing. And really, some stuff you take for granted. Reading this post now? Be grateful. You've got eyes to see. You've got a laptop to view it from. You don't have dyslexia. You internet is working. Someone invented blogger.
But some of you might just be too busy judging my humble inexperienced way of writing that you don't see that you've been having it so good.

Remember when you have that crush? Stalking his or her facebook. Texting him or her everyday. Imagining fairy tale conclusions that could possibly happen. Trying to get him or her to be yours.
While all this while your parents are working their ass off to pay for your school fees, the clothes you wear on your back while you bring her out for lunch, the internet you use to facebook message her, the phone credit you use to text her, the food you eat, the bed you sleep on while thinking of her, yadda yadda yadda.

So, friends.

How about taking a break from trying to get anything? Just stop. And shift that focus of yours to God. And see His goodness, constantly giving to you, abundantly.

And when you just have to respond to what He has already given, life gets really simple.

I give you an apple. What do you do? You smile at me, say thank you, give me lots of love, then eat the apple.
Now change the apple with say, health. Money. Parents. Siblings. Friends. Talents. Job. Ministry. Peace. Joy. Energy. Whatever you can think of.

It's not about getting, mates. It's just responding what has been given to you.

And you know, the bigger God is magnified, the smaller your problems seems to be?

Really. Try it. See Him. And stop looking at yourself, and you good or not good you are. Yeah?

Night!

TRUST 6: Food story.

Remember the Fats and Kilograms post?

Talking about that again now.

So I'm at my final weeks for my FYP, and I've been staying up late a lot.

What do you do when you do work up late at night?

You EAT.

So I've been snacking like mad. My appetite has been raising exponentially.

I. REALLY. LIKE. EATING. Gosh.

From healthy snacks:

My cereal currently. Plus milk. 90% iron bro!

To these.

FYI Sour Cream and Onion is my fave flavor of all chips.
Finished the large sized bag in 2 days.

There's no bigger image for this biscuit.
This is what I have lying around on my kitchen table now.
They're so nice!

Indomie rebus. Nuff said.

And the last one was a full meal! Can't even be categorized into a snack.

Then, this evening I suddenly got this craving for chips and bubble tea. So went down across the street and bought both. Exhale.

I would wonder if I had gained weight. Crossing the 60 kg mark would be so unpleasing.
But I remembered that my first story of weight loss was of God's grace. I did not try AT ALL. I just received it, it just happened. I certainly did not deserve it, looking at the way I was eating at that time.
And it made sense that if the weight loss was by grace in the first place, then the weight maintenance shall also be by grace. That's what I believe.

Sometimes I get so concerned of my appetite. It was HUGE.
And logically, really, I would have gained a lot of weight.

And even though I had a kinda miraculous weight loss story, I would still get worried sometimes, wondering if this time around I would really gain weight.

I know God doesn't change. It's just me being human.

So everytime I get worried, I would remind myself that in the first place, I received my weight loss not by my effort. It has always been God. So why get condemned now when all along it was grace? I ate worse than this in the UK and still God took some 4 kg out of my body!

I would tell myself that God has control over my appetite. He could have reduced it very easily, like in Ghon's story. She lost 8 kg because she just lost the desire of eating. Most food suddenly doesn't interest her. And no effort at all from her side. She just follows her desire. So God works differently for different people.

So yeah, if I have this huge appetite, I believe God is fully aware. And If I know He is watching me, I should just enjoy. So I have never starved myself. When I want to eat, I eat. And after my big meals, sometimes I would rub my tummy and thighs and mumble to myself, "fats go away in Jesus name!" Haha!

So after drinking my bubble tea just now, before my super late dinner at 9.15 pm, I braved myself on the scale. I don't know what to expect. Logically it would reach some 58 kg, but again I live by grace. So I really had no expectation. And really, the number I saw made me happy. ^^

No need to expose what it exactly was, but it was my normal usual weight. Nothing excessive.

So yeah. Grace works!

And again, I am not against healthy eating and exercising or whatever. I believe God gives the will and the work (Phil 2:13.) He gives us the desire, and then He enables us to do it. So if you enjoy exercising and eating veggies makes you happy, very good for you! I exercise too sometimes! Though my definition of exercise would be playing DDR in my room. Standard and Heavy, mind you! So yes, I sweat buckets. And I enjoyed them, so no obligation.

I'm also not promoting you to eat junkfood 24/7 and stuff. Please don't read this and take away anything that is self conscious.

The focus is Jesus. Ask Him to control your appetite. Oh yes, He is able to do that. And then, trust it and enjoy your life!

Good night!

The Wild Ones.

I'm graduating real soon. One month? Two?

One thing I would really miss would be The Wild Ones. Or the UK Ladies. Or the Sisterhood. Whatever. This group of ladies whom I met in class less than a year ago.

I would't say we are sworn sisters BFF or anything. But I must say that I am very comfortable around them.

Seeing them each day every day while we were in The UK was quite something.
You get to see that side of a person you didn't get to see before. And we kinda survived(?) that two months.
Traveled together, did work together, celebrated birthdays..

First time ever going to a club *gasp* experience in UK was with them as well!

People whom I can really be myself around.. Lunch together, doing work together, gossiping together, inner jokes Watermelon juice, Sailor Moon, Fel's video making, the Kinky and Cheesy magazine, tower guy, that lecturer's wife outfit, momo chan, Monica, etc etc..

God is too kind to give these school ladies to me. Made school and UK so fun!

I don't know if we'll still meet each other as often once we've graduated.

Either way, I'm sure I'll miss them.

To introduce you.

Left - right.

Zie - The momma. Don't ask me why, she's got the vibe. The word "anything" should be copyrighted by her.
Jess - The simple lady with complicated love rectangle (no more triangle). Not to mention the wildest among the wild ones! And she has long skinny legs!
Huyen - That lecturer's wife, cos she always rolls up that pants of hers. And she's suspected to be kinkier than Feli.
Me - The Cheesy magazine Editor in Chief.
Feli - The Kinky magazine Editor in Chief. The most likely to own a studded bra among us. And she's been missing. Please call Terence if you find her!!!!

Celebrating Huyen's bday!

MOMO CHAN ING.

Consolation Price. Not bad ah!

In class.

Lots of laugh!

Now, please.

DO WORK.

Decided to read some Naruto, just to take a break.

Not so wise.

Ended up spending the whole day marathon-ing the manga series.

It has been so long! I grew up reading that thing.
I remembered it came out at the beginning of my Junior High days, and this senior whom I had a crush on was the one who introduced it to me. Oh, and I started reading Rave because of him too. To all the younger generations, Rave was created by the same mangaka who wrote Fairy Tail. It was good.

I collected the Naruto manga series until I had to leave for Singapore. It was complete from volume 10 to about 40 something I think. Volume 10 was Lee's fight with Gaara. That's when I fell head over heels in love with Lee. Still am.

I wonder why these group of ugly silly guys attract me. Lee.. Gwangsoo.. Oh God.
And Lee wasn't even real.

In the end, Bryan was the one reading the series, once he started watching the anime on Animax. Felt like I've passed on a legacy. He's enjoying all my manga collections now.

So I hope I can start doing my work this very instant.

Chao!

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Midnight.

No, two over midnight.

Eating chips.

Watching a movie.

Sketchbook closed.

Krr krr.

Reading my posts down through the year, life was a ride.
Once so afraid of losing a friend, another time full of gratitude I'm given one.
So concerned of what others would think of me, so happy knowing what God thinks of me.
Heartache, delight.
Fear, excitement.
Anger.
Glee.

When friendships are worth keeping, you fight for it, though it might be uncomfortable.
Mikey taught me that.

Be real.
Sally taught me that.

Have fun and explore!
Ce Joan taught me that.

Everything will work out for my good.
Jesus taught me that.

FYP

A sneak peek of my FYP.

The dreams issue.

The gravity issue

The sky issue.

The smell issue.

It's gonna be a series of publication for kids, hence the different style of illustration from the usual.

I'm experimenting, and I actually enjoyed this style a lot!

What do you think?

Thanks for reading!

Thank God for friends!

Ahh.. He has bought me a long way!

To have just someone whom I know will listen to me when I need someone to talk to is such a blessing.
For all of you who has always found it easy to make friends all your life, you might not know how I feel.

But for someone like me, this is awesome!

That ouch.

Would like to share something :)

Few months ago, I had a lower back ache. It went on for weeks, and I was a little afraid that it would not go away and disturb my day to day activities, and stays forever. Cos I've heard stories of back ache going nasty.

It was very disturbing. Standing and sitting was a little tiring, moreover when I was doing schoolwork, cos it requires sitting down at the same position for a long time. But the WORST was when I went to bed. I'm in pain during that time of the day when I'm supposed to be resting. That's not right.

So I kept praying and proclaiming healing to it. Constantly touching my back, saying to it "I am healed in Jesus name. My healing was done and paid for 2000 years ago!" And I would partake the holy communion when I remembered. I wasn't even diligent in partaking! Sigh.

The backache stayed around for a few weeks, until a few days ago, I was about to pray for it again like I used to, until I realized that there was no more pain to be prayed for!

Can't pin point exactly when it went away, but by the time I remembered I had a back ache, it was no more to be found.

God. Is. So. Good!

And for a few friends who I have told this to, thank you if you have been praying for me too!

I can't give you an exact formula of how the healing works. How to know that it will be instant, or whether it takes time. Or how to make it instant. Whether you should lay hands or not, I am no pro.

I am no missionary, no pastor, no nothing. Just a design student, believing in the truth that Jesus loves and cares for me, more than I can ever understand.

The only thing I held onto was that Jesus died for my health and your health. And the power is there, and the promise is there. And that my words carry power.

And I am also having pain in my knee, it has been around since I was 16. Why hasn't it healed yet? I don't know. But I have been praying for it and believing that that knee condition too, has been paid for by Jesus on the cross. Shall keep you updated!

End of sharing. Have a nice day, and thanks for reading!

TRUST 5: Storms and Jesus

You know, when you are going through a storm, that's just one more situation where Jesus is able to reveal the magnitude of Himself. Problems are opportunities of knowing Him more. A new side of Him, or an aspect of Him that you might have forgotten.

Storms in itself are not always your fault.

In Luke 8, Jesus was the one who told His disciples to go to the other side of the lake.
And if you're smart enough, you should have figured out by now that they would use a boat. By the way, the size of the lake we are talking about must be huge, for a storm to be able to happen on it.

22 One day Jesus said to his disciples, “Let’s cross to the other side of the lake.” So they got into a boat and started out. 

23 As they sailed across, Jesus settled down for a nap. But soon a fierce storm came down on the lake. The boat was filling with water, and they were in real danger.

24 The disciples went and woke him up, shouting, “Master, Master, we’re going to drown!”

When Jesus woke up, he rebuked the wind and the raging waves. Suddenly the storm stopped and all was calm. 

25 Then he asked them, “Where is your faith?”

The disciples were terrified and amazed. “Who is this man?” they asked each other. “When he gives a command, even the wind and waves obey him!”

Point is, it was during that trip, the trip that Jesus Himself initiated, that the storm took place.
So friends, you and I might be smack dab in the center of God's plan when a storm happens. Sometimes it's just not your fault, and you can't explain it. It just happens.

Now, did Jesus know it would happen? Yes. He's God.

Yet, He still told them to sail over the lake.

You know, when He lets you go through something, He knows beforehand you'll go through it victorious. Not by your might, but victorious because He is with you. His plans are good for you. His plans are "..plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11) He makes all things work together for your good! (Romans 8:28) And yes, your storm right now, is included in the "all things".

So, have this mindset:
God is fully aware of the storm you're in. And if He lets you go through it, trust Him enough to believe that this situation is part of His good plans for your life!

Second of all, He stays on your boat with you. You are never ever on your own. It's just the matter of panicking or turning to Him who was already there all along. (hint. The latter choice is the better choice.)

The only thing that determines the course of the disciples life, whether they drown or whether they stay alive, was WHO was with them on their boat at that particular point of time.

If it was you instead of Jesus, you can bet that chapter and verse was the last of their names. Dig the bottom of that lake right now and you might just find their bones.

The point of difference was that Jesus was there. And when He speaks.. Boy, His words caused galaxies to form. You better be sure your situations will bow down to His promises.

So don't fret, friends. He's there. Expect Him to do something. He'll amaze you.

And basically I'm telling all this to myself as well.

Is there a storm around my boat now?
Yes.

And God has been revealing to me revelations upon revelations. It's almost as if problems brings me closer to Him. Or I guess that's what problems are made for. Revealing more of His glory.

So I guess I'll just watch Him do His thing. Shifting my eyes away from the storm and unto Him. I mean, when there's Someone as beautiful as Jesus around me, why would I want to look at anything else?
Moreover a storm!

And as I face Him, He takes care of whatever I'm facing my back towards.
As you look unto Jesus, as you put your focus on Him, you problems just gets smaller.

But I know there are times when it's hard to even turn your head away from the obvious problems in front of you. What to do then?

Friends, do what Jesus does. Speak to your situation! Speak upon yourself! Your words carry power!

"Lord, help me to focus on You."
"Lord, give me peace."
"Lord, make me not want _____"
"Lord, make me nor wait for _____"
"Lord, _____"

And it works. Speak it!

God gave me peace in a situation where, believe me, peace is the last thing possible to enter my heart. God made me lose desire towards this thing I've been wanting for a long time. He dealt straight to my feelings. It's crazy.
Oh the things He does.. He's awesome.

Anyway. Gotta sleep now.
Good night people!



**

Follow the journey!
TRUST 1: Twenty Thirteen!
TRUST 2: That verse.
TRUST 3: Did you see the broken glass?
TRUST 4: What I learnt during FA.

So the TLG Movie practice has been going on for 5 weeks.

I've been enjoying it very much. Like the musical days, I look forward to each practice. Sometimes when school is just so.. unappealing.. The thought of practice really helps me go through the day.

I really thank God for this part.

Didn't expect I would get it.. Judges were confused why they chose me..
In the end, I could only thank God.

Last practice, Ko Raimond mentioned that he was pleasantly surprised that I could connect with the pain of my character. He thought I would have difficulties touching the negative emotions.
Now I was pleasantly surprised that he would think that. Told him it was probably thanks to my emo teenage days.

For someone to think that I would have difficulties being dark, means I probably kinda portray the opposite, right?
I guess God has brought me a loooooong way.

But honestly, I think you can trace the residue of the emoness.
In my opinion, it's all over the vibe of this blog.

Still, praise the Lord :) Life post Jesus is so different now. I'm lovin it!

A song story.

I first met him when I was 15. Or maybe 16.

He wasn't all that handsome. Plus points of him physically would be that he was tall, and he was older. I wasn't a Christian yet back then so his beliefs didn't matter.

What drew me to him was that he was funny and smart. The jokes he threw wasn't shallow. You know, some jokes are just dirty, or forced, or vulgar.. His wasn't. And me being me, I do like funny guys. But that was it, there really was nothing at the beginning.

Our group of friends hung out a lot, online and offline. We had this group on MSN, and we chatted together almost every night. I remembered this huge deal about my dad. If he decided to peek out of his room and found me still there on the computer, I'm gonna get it. It became a joke among us: my peeking dad. And we all went out A LOT. Movies, dinner, lunch, Timezone, or just playing cards at some foodcourt.. Haih.. Now I miss them.

So in our group, we had a few 'drivers': those who drove their own cars, and he was one of them. Them drivers would split their jobs sending us home depending on where we live, and my house was within his territory, which made him my driver most of the time.

Slowly we grew closer, and it felt natural because we were friends to begin with. There was no awkwardness when we hung out in our group of friends. It was very.. right.

But. He needed to go away to study, and I wasn't ready for a long distance relationship. Not for my first one. We didn't end up together.

So he went away, and the feeling withered and young me fell for someone else. Had my first relationship which lasted for a year.

Then I left for Singapore to study as well. By then, had totally forgotten about him, it had been so long!

But on 2010, I went back to Surabaya for a school break, and he was having his holiday as well. So we met again, and I remembered falling for him all over again. And it hurt alot because I know on his side, there was nothing anymore. Even if there were something (which most probably there weren't), I definitely didn't feel it.

He was still nice and funny. But yeah, you know.

So the holiday ended. He went back to study, and I did too. In the end, that second round of feelings for him died away. Again.

And it never came back. Our story stopped there.
Well, it never even begun.

We met a few more times after that. There were no more butterflies though.
We're still friends how :)


So why am I suddenly talking about him?

Because just now, while doing my homework, Itunes decided to play 'Secrets' by One Republic, which yes, is the song I prepared for you above.

During that 2010 break, our group of friends decided to watch The Sorcerer's Apprentice, and on the movie, this song played during one of their scenes which I find super romantic: The Tesla Coil Scene. This is not your normal mushy mushy romantic scene: there were lightning and cages and what not. Dave was head over heels for Becky and it was all over that particular scene.

And I remember how all my emotions amplified when the song played. The irony of the scene I was watching and the reality I was in. The pressing feeling you have when you like someone so much, but you know you'll never be together cos the other party doesn't feel the same way.

Yet, I love this song. The memory it holds was bitter, but the feelings were not.

Everytime it played, I would get all tingly. It kind of highlighted that particular point of my life. There's an emotional attachment between me and the song.

Anyway, I shall go to bed now. Good night!

So tell me what you want to hear

Something that were like those years

I'm sick of all the insincere

So I'm gonna give all my secrets away.

Some people.

Some people you meet just makes you learn stuff.
Not that they teach you anything, but you learn from them as a person. Or their existence just forces you to realize things. About life, about how you work as a human being. About God.

I learnt that I do not know all things, and it's okay, cos God does.
I learnt that things might not go my way, and it's okay, cos it will go His. And it is better that way.

I learnt to realize that Jesus is still and always will be the center.

I learnt to just not give a damn sometimes, to just say "so what?"
Everything is in His hands and me thinking of and analyzing it won't make any difference.

I learnt to just let go and trust Him.

Some people brings out the best in you. Some the worst.
But then God allows them in your life for a reason.

Later on I'll look back and see that everything is all beautiful.

"Let all that I am praise the LORD; may I never forget the good things he does for me."
Psalm 103:2

Lets list today's!

1. I actually woke up at 10. That's really something.
2. Saw the cover of the latest Hillsong album. I know this doesn't really classify as a "good thing", but it really did make me happy and excited.
3. Wanted to had lunch at the green thai restaurant, and it was full. The waitress actually already started setting up a very small table that obviously wont fit us 4 person. Then, suddenly this group of 4 people stood up and left cos they finished eating. Talk about right time right happening!
4. Ate Ice Cream. This is a must to be included.
5. Actually did some work. Might seem that it's me doing the action, but trust me, I know myself. Lately I've been so sick of my schoolwork and it has been very hard for me to get motivated. So thank God for even the desire to do some schoolwork!
6. Found a spot with a plug at Coffee Bean 313. We've been searching around and it's HARD to find a cafe with plugs and Wifi.
7. The fact that I have friends comfortable enough for me to hang with, be it school or church. So precious.
8. Actually teared during TLG Movie practice!! Though it's pretty much inexistant cos it didn't even drop, there was definitely more amount of water in my eyes that I needed to wipe it off.
9. Bought bubble tea!
10. Iphone battery lasted the whole day.
11. Ate all 3 meals a day.
12. Mac didn't die.
13. Perfectly healthy. You know, as tiny as a blocked blood vessel can cause fatal damage. So the fact that all parts of your extremely complicated body is working fine as a whole is a blessing in itself.
14. Cliche, but true: A comfy bed to sleep, with a working aircon and internet.
15. Made it through the day: No accident, no food poisoning, no nothing. Anything could go wrong, ask a paranoid person. In fact, what you think is "normal", takes a whole lot of God intervention. 
I'm sure there's a ton more that I didn't even notice. Point is, God is good and there will always be stuff to thank God about. If nothing, thank Him anyway. The cross is enough reason.

Good night!

you question everything until it gets boring.

i should just ignore you.