Two years ago, two months ago. The same thought with minuscule difference.
"Maybe God is planning for us to go our separate ways for now, to prepare us for the future."
"Maybe this time apart would forge our feelings to become stronger towards each other when we eventually get together."
"Maybe God is preparing us to be better for each other."
"Maybe he is thinking this way too."
"Maybe he is thinking of me too."
"Maybe this is hard for him too."
"Maybe."
Then another wave of thoughts rushed in.
"What if he realizes I'm not the one he wants to be with?"
"What if we were never meant to be together in the first place?"
"What if I'm not good enough?"
"What if there's someone else?"
That last question would throw me off. The thought that another woman is in the picture of what I thought consists of two people is suffocating. I still remembered the day I found out my ex had another girlfriend. The thought that you are replaceable is very much painful.
"But he wooed me first. What made him lose interest? Why would he attempt to make me fall for him if in the end he would just leave me?"
"He just didn't like you that much. If he did, he would've fought for you."
"But I was sure he liked me!"
"Well, you're wrong, woman."
"Maybe I should've responded more. If only I weren't so shy. Maybe I should've just texted him that day. If I had done things differently.."
"Maybe. But it's too late anyway."
So I learnt to deal with it, two years ago and two months ago. There's nothing else you can do. It's pretty much impossible if God doesn't interfere. He's gone. He's gone. He's gone.
"Lord, send me someone else, or take the feelings away. This is too much."
I don't know why it took so long. Why it took that much hope and pain and tears, just for one person that never happened. But I guess I've come to terms with the idea that we could possibly never be together, and for once, I'm fine with it. It doesn't hurt imagining that I'll see you walking around holding someone else's hand. Or laughing enjoying your time with her. Heck, I would be happy for you. I guess Jesus granted the latter part of that wish.
So yeah. I think I'm ready to take that offer I once thought was impossible. I think we can be friends.
Peace out.
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