04.17

I can go on about how it is lately. But I guess it won’t do anyone any good.

Therefore I’ll just write my wishes in all these situations. (as if it will do anyone any good)

• To not think of anything. I’ve been sleeping a lot lately just for this reason.


• To draw as I want to.


• To just go to heaven.


• To be with my family.


• To watch Running Man all I want


• To be oblivious.


• To stop time.


• To borrow tons of books and gallop them all.


• To chat.


• To talk.


• To not have school start next week. (Some might want to slay me for saying this cos I know some ppl don’t even have their holidays)


• To meet Gwang Soo.


• To be able to read minds.


• To be able to teleport.


• To live in a jungle like tarzan.


• To be able to speak some sense into people.

The list may go on but in the end the answer always can be found in Jesus. Havent said this, moodswings are scary lately and there are times I wasn’t acting like a King’s daughter. For yous who were there through it all everyday.. Thanks :) You know who you are. This goes to my mom as well. And for some, you might have seen a side of me you’ve not seen before. Umm.. I’m very sorry to trouble you, hope you can bear with me for a while.. I’m still a work in progress. Thanks again.

A few years back, after my breakup, I thought things couldn’t get worse. Turns out, life still has a lot in store to be thrown at you. Romance really isn’t everything, friends. I really learnt to value friendship. Time with family, I would do anything to be with them now. And be back by Sunday. Comparison brings you nowhere. There’s a grace for you where you are right now. So, don’t compare.

Friends definitely will fail you. They won’t be there for you forever. Therefore, look unto God only. He’s the Selfless Friend, who abandoned and gave His life for your good. Your Best Friend who is literally with you wherever you go. Dont get me wrong. My any means, make as much friends as possible. Just dont base your happiness on them. Rest, it’s important. Most of all, trust God.

I think I am going through a process now. Looking at January, I’m not excited yet. Gosh, when all this is over, I will be inexpressibly happy. I’ll float around the world.

But I guess, in the mean time, I better learn something in the process. God definitely is teaching something. Enjoy this unenjoyable process? By God’s grace, amen! Now, to the best part of each day: sleep. Where there’s nothing else you can do but relax and leave things to the next day and to God’s care. Bye people!

New Year Thank Yous - Glenn

So this little brother!!

Got to know him somewhere in the middle of this year… Prolly ard June, ard Phil’s graduation there.. (according to the earliest pic I can track in fb..)

Me, Glenn, Ghon

Thank you for being so loud and fun. When my mood is terrible, he always comes with his nonsense chit chat (without knowing that i’m in a very terrible mood) that would make me laugh and feel better. Thousands of time it happened and he might not know it cos I never told nor thank him. But now you do :)

He sees the good in someone and tells them. Which makes the person being told very happy. And in my case, thankful to the Lord :)

Such a gifted boy, always knowing what to say. As in, never run out of topics to talk about. Not all people can be like that man.

Then recently I found out that I can talk about more serious stuff with you. Starting when I was in KL, if you recall. Thanks for listening to me and thanks for trusting me as well :)

And the fistbump thing with this pose in the end..



..i actually enjoy doing it very much hahaha!

So see ya around!

New Year Thank Yous - Mardian

I just got to know this guy for less then a year. First knew each other in FA Anda, and now together in Sekia.

But he is such a vessel of God, a channel of Him. Times and times again when I feel down and depressed, he was just there strengthening me non stop, over and over and over again. Reminding me of Jesus, pointing me back to Him, His love, His promises.. Even now, this very moment I’m typing this :)

You made a difference in my life. Really. If I hadn’t gone through the problems I’ve gone through, maybe I wouldn’t know you this well. Though I still feel they are hard, yet this gives me a reason to be thankful.

Always there to talk (eventhough it sometimes took ages for you to reply), always knows what to say (basically pointing me back to Daddy)..

A good friend, a brother in Christ. Thank you! :D

00.40

replaced.

blessed.

tired.

strengthened.

undeserving.

loved.

pressure.

rest.

take courage.

fear not.

second best.

favorite.

enough.

held.

peace.

New Year Thank Yous - God

My first encounter with Jesus begins at the early age of around 6, introduced by my mom when she became my mother, cos she’s a Catholic.

Then, I guess I heard more about Jesus from school, during the religion subject.

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When I was around 8, I suffered from typhus, and therefore stayed in bed the whole day for days. Found nothing to do, bored by everything I’ve been doing, I suddenly decided to read the Bible (which I got from Komuni Pertama), which has always been lying around in my room but never touched. I read the first few chapters of Genesis.

After a few days, I notice in my heart that I feel peace. An 8 year old, for the first time felt a different kind of peace. I didn’t understand how it was there, I was just reading stories of the start of the earth and mankind and the big flood and boring genealogies.. After a few days, the typhus git worse and I needed to be hospitalized. Lost contact with my bible since then.

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Around 9 or 10, I remember one night, I just got scolded by my dad (and mom I think), and I was crying on bed at night. Emoing on how miserable my life was (my dad beats me up a lot back then). I cried myself to sleep a lot at that age. Then out of nowhere, this Jesus appeared in my mind, and I remembered from the books I read and religion lessons at school that this Jesus is a Father, and that He loves me. (Now I know it’s the Holy Spirit working.) But by then, I only know I felt loved. That if my dad and mom hated me, I have this other Dad which is God and I know He loves me. The feeling of being loved at that moment was overwhelming that my cry changed from a cry of sorrow to a cry of feeling undeservingly loved. I told Jesus how I felt. That was the first time I actually talked to the Lord. I fell asleep smiling with tears that night.

I kept talking to Him for a few days, or even weeks. Everywhere. At school, during lessons, in the car, especially at nights. I can’t wait for bed time cos that’s when I can talk to Jesus freely to sleep. This was when I was 9 or 10. Don’t underestimate how early your children can learn and feel Christ. It’s NEVER too young to start.

But I didn’t read the bible, didn’t go to any church, noone helped me to get to know this Jesus better and after some time, the passion faded and I was back feeling lost.

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Sec 1, I had a classmate named Gisella. One day, there was this crusade for teens by Mawar Sharon Church and she gave me an invitation.

I had no idea what a crusade was but I decided to come. There, I was exposed for the first time to people speaking in tongues. I’ve only heard of the concept, but never hear ppl actually speaking it. But I wasn’t afraid, and somehow I know without anyone telling me that this was the ‘speaking in tongues’ the bible was saying. That day, I was exposed to Jesus in such a different way then how I was exposed to Him growing up. It was lively and exciting, not boring and all rituals. He was so alive! I responded to the altar call, and wanted to continue attending whatever they have to offer, hungry for more.

But due to some reasons, eventually I didn’t continue attending the sunday school. (Eventually I found out that it was a sunday school) And again I lost contact with Jesus.

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At the age of 17, I was in a relationship. I thought I had it all. My long life mission uptil then was to have a boyfriend and now I have one. A kind, funny, loving one with an interesting history to tell.

But instead, I felt empty. A huge emptiness that even my relationship cannot fill in. Somehow, I know back then, I needed a god, a religion. Any will do. Just to fill in the spiritual side of life. And I remembered the Jesus I encountered years ago. My heart was naturally drawn to Him, and I begin looking around for a church. Any church.

I planned to walk around asking random schoolmates if they could take me to their church, and eventually I was asking Leo, a good friend of mine. When I was addressing to him that I needed a church, Ghon (by now everyone should know who she is) just happened to pass by behind me. Leo called her, and told her that I was looking for a church. And she seemed very thrilled (now I know why. A random girl asking to know about Jesus out of nowhere. I would be so happy to encounter that experience), and offered me to go to her church, which happens to be Mawar Sharon Church, the church I went to at sec 1.

That same Sunday, Ghon take me to church (Fire of God satellite), and that day I fell in love all over again with Jesus, and this time I plan to never ever let go of Him again. That day, I received Jesus as my personal God and savior, and forever saved. It was July 27, 2008. The very next week, I got baptized :D

This satellite was my first family in Christ. 

• FOG back then :D

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It’s been over 3 years now since the day, and it was such a journey with Jesus! I can’t thank Him enough of the fact that He suffered bad and died for me (us), just so that He can be with me forever and ever in heaven, the fact that He caught me at His perfect timing, never left me through my ups and downs, everything that He IS, and what He’s done, I am thankful!!!

He restored my relationship with my family, changed me from the inside out, gave me friends in Him..

• S43, when I first moved to Singapore

• FOG, still my family when I come home during holidays :D

• The first time friends ever surprised me at my home on my birthday (it’s the 19th).. And it’s by B19!! And it’s during my holidays from Singapore :D sweet ah.. Appreciate the time and effort!!

• early days in TLG

• FA ANDA!!

• a later FA ANDA

• beloved beloved people who took time to celebrate my birthday :’) I love you beyond words!

• Early FA SEKIA.. 1st FA :D

• Most complete pic of Sekia so far!

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Most of all, gave me Himself!

• From this..

• To this..

And now being with me all the time through the Holy spirit :)

So the first post of this New Year Thank Yous series is dedicated to Jesus Christ!

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More coming up! :D

G Nite!

that pattern in fb.

When a guy is interested in a girl, and she’s online, most of the time he’s online as well. when she goes off, most likely than not he’ll go off. It’s easy to track, proven right by my experience. yeah yeah yeah!

Not about KL

This day is that day where all moods are gone. It has completely nothing to do with the trip, it was awesome, it’s just hormones. If you understand what I mean.

I havent even blogged about my Shanghai trip. So I wonder when will I blog about this KL trip.

But, in a nutshell, Malaysia is a lot like Indonesia. The cities, the hygiene. Genting was fun, but the place kinda felt unmaintained. It felt old. If only they would take more care of their attractions. And it was COLD. I checked the weather on a website and it frikkin said 29 degrees celsius. L I A R. Hotel, although the room was humble, yet it was clean!! I appreciate that a lot. KL has lots of good food. Sunway was fun, also felt old, and some attractions smell. I liked the animal section a lot. Was like a zoo. God’s creations really are beautiful. Really! I was fascinated.

There were 2 attraction rides that I will probably will not forget in a very2 long time. Both require hanging upside down for a few seconds that felt multiple times longer. Both require you to be vulnerable, helpless, powerless, having your faith only on your safety equipment you are wearing. (Both with Mikey beside hanging upside down beside me.)

And amazingly Jesus could still teach me something out of it, that believing in Him is just like that.

You must understand how it felt. We really felt helpless. If anything goes wrong with the safety equipments, we’d be freefalling 10 meters smack to the ground. The trust you have is only, ONLY, with that thing over your head holding your shoulders. In my life I’ve never felt that helpless. There’s completely nothing I can do to save myself.

That is exactly it with trusting Jesus. First with my salvation, and next, with everything else. There is NOTHING we can do in ourselves to go to heaven. It’s all Jesus. It’s not what you’ve done, it’s what He’s done. Your noble deeds can’t save you, nothing of yourself can’t save you. Only the perfect sacrifice of Jesus can. I’ve known this for over a year now (the ONLY part), yet the attraction ride makes it that much more vivid, the reality of how helpless I am.

And next, with everything else. Times and times again I’ve been overwhelmed by life. Peer problems, relationships, family, loss, school, work, misunderstood, body issues, expectations, comparisons, confidence.. I know I am in no place to complain. Each of us has our own struggles. Some more I have the thinker side of me (as opposed to my adventurous side, proven by the experience of hanging upside down for some moment twice in a single trip.) I feel, I think, I analyze, especially when I am not in my best mood. I’m telling you I could drown in my emoness. Which I have just experienced today. Till I talked to a few precious friends who may not know themselves but has lifted my mood up :) thank yous.

This is one of the rides I took.

I had the shoulder thing securely fastened. But the higher it got, I know the wilder my hands tried to find something to grip. Which was completely ridiculous cos no matter what I hold on to or not hold on to, the only thing that matters is the shoulder safety thing. None of my works would’ve helped. At all. I might as well just relax and I still wont fall off. So, wether I panic or not, I won’t fall off. Might as well not panic and not fall off rather than panic and not fall off.

The lesson with Jesus. No matter if I panic and worry or not, things will work together for my good. So might as well not worry and trust Jesus my safety shoulder thing, and enjoy the thrill. Cos in the end everything will be alright. I’m not promoting laziness here. It is working, living life knowing that you will be alright in the end, rather than working and living life striving for alrightness. And I would say this, including to myself, since I am also a recipient here, “enjoy the thrill”. Not the monotonous boring ride. The thrill. When there are risks and you have no idea what will happen and it gets your adrenalin pumping and faith going and excitement rising. 

I’ll practice what I just shared before in my own life. How to see through all this, the good finished work of my Daddy Jesus. I am as much a reader as you are.

Now I’m about to sleep sooo.. Good nite! :) Hope you are blessed!

a note to someone: You might not even know I was upset with you months ago. But I was and it wasn’t an enjoyable feeling. However, that very day I got upset, I decided to forgive you. Yet I was still upset though you are completely forgiven. But now the upsetness is gone and you’re pure as snow though I still remember every bit of what happened. This message will change nothing cos you probably don’t know who you are. But just putting it here. peace out.

a quite long post.

Calendar:

• Monday, 12: Went to doctor to check on my eyes


• Tuesday, 13: CCIS Practice


• Wednesday, 14: Make up test with Ci El


• Thursday, 15: CCIS Practice


• Friday, 16: model for Ci El’s make up exam, FA at night


• Saturday, 17: model for Ci El’s portfolio, and there’s TLG CCIS performance at MBS (ard 6 is it? forgotten) and Mandarin Orchard (9pm) later at night! I won’t be in it but you can check it out :)


• Sunday, 18: Caroling Practice


• Sunday, 18 - Thursday, 22: Off to Genting and KL 


• Thursday, 22 night: Caroling Practice


• Friday, 23: FA


• Saturday, 24: Caroling, Celebrate XMas w FA


• Sunday, 25: XMAS!!

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I was under a lot of pressure lately. Since musical, anything related with school and design has been non stop. We have Musical, Phunk’s 100 friends, and Exercise 2 happening at the same time. Then we have assessment. Then we have ISP. Then, after ISP, I still have Transmission, which will be until march next year. Thinking that I’ll be under that pressure until next year is horror. And frankly I gave myself no break. After ISP, I immediately started working on Transmission.

It didn’t get to any dramatic point, I was just tired. And the one God used this time to talk sense to me was (unexpectedly) Ko Andri.

• I don’t know if he’s okay with his face exposed here, so he’s somewhere in this pic. Good luck finding him.

On Tuesday, 13, I woke up somehow really tired and eneg of design, and I decided that morning that I won’t do anything design for a moment. It’s almost like I’m pissed. I don’t care anymore, I WILL REST.

Later at night, we just finished practicing at Macpherson. Everyone took bus home, except me and Ko Andri. So we talked talked talked, and he asked, “how are you lately? School? Everything alright?”

I would usually answer this kind of question with a simple “yes”. Firstly, it’s usually just a basa basi. Second, everything really is going fine. And if it isn’t, I was hoping that the “yes” will come true. But I don’t know what pushed me to not say “yes” that day and be brutally honest. I forgot my answer, but it ended up with me curcol-ing to him about how tired I was and everything. Which was funny cos I never talk about this kind of stuff with him.

So I blabbered non stop. (Thanks for listening ko!) He said I needed to rest and take a break. I realized I’ve been charging non stop since musical through this chat with him. And his suggestion to relax somehow totally made sense. I still have time until the deadline of Transmission, I totally have the time to take a break. Why didn’t I? I don’t know.

He told me to clean my room. Which makes perfect sense too. Everytime I walk into my room, it just reminds me of the pressure I have, therefore making me feel pressured again. My room used to be my perfect hideout. I don’t know when that changed. When I got home that night, I cleared my room and made everything that contributes to my pressure out of sight. Bye.

So, this space is dedicated to thank Ko Andri for listening and talking sense to me :) Shalom (y).

So, since Tuesday, I’ve been relaxing. Not thinking of anything, just enjoying my holiday. Watching Running Man, ANTM cycle 17, 90210, doing my quiet time, just relaxed.

The stressful thoughts would try to attack sometimes. But the thing that I always use to counter it was verses from the Bible. Things like, God will make everything work for good, God has His plans, God knows what’s gonna happen already, and the trust that He will be the one giving me the mood to draw again. (I used this method for last sem’s ISP. It’s just for Transmission, the stakes are higher, and my faith in Him wavered. So now, learning to trust Him again)

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On Monday, I finally checked my eyes to the doctor. On 22nd of November, I woke up with my eyes red. 

It got better after I put some eyedrops, but when I stopped putting, it became worse. Especially on the right eye. It would be so red, it’s scary. And I don’t know if you can imagine this, but the surface of my eyeballs becomes cloth like. When I peek to the right, the surface near the edges would crease due to the pressure, just like when you push a fabric to the center.

Something like this.

just a little smaller, white color, covered in red veins on the eyeball. Creepy.

I never thought pf checking myself to the doctor. The idea never crossed my mind. Thought of keep using optrex. Glenn and Alben were the first ones to suggest the idea. Still contemplating at that moment. Later at night, I searched google for the symptoms of my eye condition, and it seems to match with the symptoms of bacterial conjunctivitis.

It was itching like mad, had lots of belek when I wake up each morning, and each time I rub it, immediately it becomes swollen and red in the count of seconds. Bleah.

On Sunday, I went to church. The pastor was talking about healing, about trusting God’s faith instead of our faith. That moment, I felt something happen to my eye. But I wasn’t really sure wether something really happened, or I was just caught with the mood. But the whole day my eye was clear, It didn’t become red nor swollen at all.

However, I still checked myself to the doctor the next day, and the doctor said it was just my eyes being sensitive, no harm. Woah PTL man. I was very sure it was the conjunctivitis thing.

The medication the doctor gave caused drowsiness. Therefore, last night I slept at 11. Canyoubelieveme. 11. (when I usually sleep at at least 2 am) And woke up at (areyouready) 2.30 pm. I slept 15.5 hours. It covers the amount of sleep you need in 2 days. That’s crazy. So to do my sleeping time justice, I plan to sleep very little today.  

However, I dreamt of Gwang Soo last night and I felt sooooo happy ^^. We were on the beach, and we were friends. Aaaaaa~ <3 *float*

Okay, checking off now!! Buybuy!

bullbo

*copied from Ci Bombie’s blog.

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7 Random things about me:

1. I like Gwang Soo


2. I like ANTM


3. I like holidays


4. I am trying to be neat


5. I like yawning


6. I wish to have a supermodel body


7. I used to hope peter pan exists

Questions:

Name your favorite color: Yellow

Name your favorite songs: For the Xmas season : Have yourself a merry little xmas

Name your favorite dessert: All that exists

What is annoying to you? Myself sometimes

When you are upset you: Roll around in bed and pray. Sometimes I try to cry, but usually fails. If you can cry easily u should kinda be grateful. It is a good way of letting things out.

Your favorite pet: I would love to have a tiger or something. I think it’s cool if I can relate to animals while other ppl can’t. Like tarzan.

Your biggest fear: Whenever Jong Kook appears on Running Man.

My best feature: My smaile :D

My everyday attitude: “life is shrt, why so serious ?” <- Not mine, it’s Ci Bombie’s. I decided to keep it there since I think it’s good.

What is perfection: “Jesus.” <- Also Ci Bombie’s. But I agree.

Guilty pleasure: I dont feel guilty after experiencing any pleasures.

4.25 am

my sleeping schedule is so far messed up. in a few minutes my aunt will be awake and i am not even a bit sleepy. though my body is tired.

You just don’t know what’s gonna happen in the future. you can plan, others can plan, but you just never know what will happen.

This uncertainty of the future is really worrying. The only antidote is the promises of God. God provides me what I need. Be it ideas, money, food, good friends, partner, love..

A friend is leaving Singapore soon and I am really kinda sad. For sure things will change, when I am pretty happy with how things are now. I’ve been picturing times and times again in my mind how it will be. Yet again, you’ll never know what will happen. Based on experience, it always turns out to be okay, and I’ll deal with it better then I thought I would.

Things hasn’t been easy lately. What I’m learning now is trusting God’s provision. He has provided, and everything is working for good!!

By the way, I’ve been watching Running Man and I’m totally smitten by Gwang Soo!!

He is super timid, but I think that’s his charm. I like how he’s always whole hearted in the things he does, honest and polite. He’s not the most handsome, but there’s where God is fair. The guys I like are mostly never the good looking ones. Teehee!

To make me sleepy, I shall listen to a sermon to bed. Bye everyone!!

Heylo.

I have a lot of honest things to say.

But it doesn’t matter.

God knows best. He prepares the best.

Surveytime

Out of all the people you have kissed, give me the initials of the best kisser: -

So, what if you married the last person you kissed?: -

What was the last thing you hid?: snacks

Have you ever had a really big fight with a best friend?: yea.. but not that big i guess

If you could spend more time with someone you used to be very close with, who?: a lot of names to be mentioned.. 

When will your next kiss be?: on the cheeks will be when i meet my dad

Did you ever like someone you know you shouldn’t have?: probably 

Who was the last guy you had a conversation with?: Mike

Do you plan on moving out within the next year?: nope. 

Last person you told a secret to?: Ghon i think 

What was the last thing to make you mad?: hmm not sure.. i’ve never been that mad for a long time..

What are you listening to at the moment?: motorbike sounds

Did you ever date the last person you kissed?: yep

What were you doing at 8:00 this morning?: Sleeping

Do you like to have long hair or short hair?: short. but trying it long now

If you were at reasonable age, would you prefer a baby boy or girl?: boy

What color shirt are you wearing?: white pink yellow with a cat in the middle

What are you doing tonight?: FA

Can you leave the house without makeup?: Yep

What do you want?: to get what i want

Who knows a dark secret or two about you?: hmm Ghon? 

Do you like Batman?: Meh

When was the last time you saw someone attractive?: Yesterday

Do you have any plans for the weekend?: Church

What do you always take with you?: Bb and wallet

Is there someone you will never forget?: Yep. 

What was the first thing you did when you woke up?: Pray

How are you right now?: Good

Do you currently have a hickey?: No

Are you gonna get high later?: No

Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?: Nope

What are you tired of?: Waking up late 

How late did you stay up last night?: 5 am

What will you be doing in 3 hours?: Watching movie

Have you ever been called heartless?: I guess so

Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the planet?: Hahaha no

Is there something right now that has you worried?: Nope

How old were you when you got your first piercing?: 6/7

What did you do today in detail?: Woke up, prayed, peed, ate pandan bun, drinking milk while tumblring.