Day 18 - Your beliefs. (part 3)

This is part 3 of Day 18 of the 30 Days Challenge - Your Beliefs.
Read part 1 and part 2!


8. Up and Down.

Since the third encounter, the journey with the Lord started strong.

I feel loved. I feel accepted. Finally, I'm not lonely. It was like I can face the anything. Throw the world at me, I have Jesus. Give me no friends, I have Jesus. I have Jesus and I shall preeeeeeeacchhhh His name all across the entire universe, aliens would listen. Fire was burning hot. I would debate about the Bible in class. I would correct my mom when I know she does wrong. Boy fire was hot.

But as most "old" Christians would know, the walk with the Lord isn't smooth sailing like that. The fire cooled down after a few months, and since then it has been a dragging walk. I was so afraid of losing my salvation that I was so conscious of sin. Friends are silently seeing me as someone too extreme in faith. One you would call a fanatic.

In the end I'm not so sure anymore at all that I'm going to heaven. I've sinned all over the place, and I realized that. But I can't give up Jesus, He's my only way to heaven. Yet I know I'm unqualified. The Bible is tough, man. I can't obey it perfectly, even though trust me, I really wanted to.

That consciousness that I failed to obey His will made me feel distant from God, eventhough He Himself was as close as ever. I know He will forgive and accept me, but it was just hard to keep the relationship going. Quiet time became a routine. It was heavy.

Don't get me wrong, I still love going church and cellgroup. It was my personal relationship with God that was breaking down. I want to love Him but I can't. And I was afraid that one day He'll lose His patience with me and that's it, I'm doomed for eternity.

But then I'll listen to a good, non-condemning sermon, and I'll be lifted up. But then it will slowly drag down again. And up again. And down again. Keeps going on like that. For so long.

So one year after I gave my life to Jesus in Surabaya, I moved to Singapore.

And boy did things get worse.

Relationship with God was... exhausting. Previously, it was like dragging rocks. Now I felt like dragging Goliath in his full armor with his mom and his dad and his grandma together with his house. In Surabaya, I was so close with my cellgroup, it helped. Here, the relationship wasn't that close. They are amazing people, maybe it's just the culture. I don't know. But it wasn't as close.

I would cry to the Lord, wondering what had happened. How could something that started so beautiful and hot turned out to be so dry? I'm tired of trying to get closer to God. It was so bad. Each time I go back for the holidays, it would be a breath of fresh air. But once I got back to Singapore, Goliath and his family came along as well. I was so frustrated.

But still, I can't give up Jesus. Heaven should be better than this, right?

After one year in Singapore, somehow Ghon decided to move here as well. Then, we both decided to try out Bethany Church, since it was a famous Indonesian church. Service was okay.

Then, we tried coming to the FA.

And that was where my whole relationship with Jesus took a drastic turn. I fell head over heels in love with Jesus all over again. And it has never died since. It has been almost three years now :)

Just by having this revelation of a major aspect of God that I never really understood for that first two years.

Which I will share in the next part :)

But you should know, right? Hint: It is often used as a girl's name.

See you around!