Midnight Ramblings.

I've always thought, "perhaps it could happen."

Two years ago, two months ago. The same thought with minuscule difference.

"Maybe God is planning for us to go our separate ways for now, to prepare us for the future."
"Maybe this time apart would forge our feelings to become stronger towards each other when we eventually get together."
"Maybe God is preparing us to be better for each other."
"Maybe he is thinking this way too."
"Maybe he is thinking of me too."
"Maybe this is hard for him too."
"Maybe."

Then another wave of thoughts rushed in.

"What if he realizes I'm not the one he wants to be with?"
"What if we were never meant to be together in the first place?"
"What if I'm not good enough?"
"What if there's someone else?"

That last question would throw me off. The thought that another woman is in the picture of what I thought consists of two people is suffocating. I still remembered the day I found out my ex had another girlfriend. The thought that you are replaceable is very much painful.

"But he wooed me first. What made him lose interest? Why would he attempt to make me fall for him if in the end he would just leave me?"

"He just didn't like you that much. If he did, he would've fought for you."

"But I was sure he liked me!"

"Well, you're wrong, woman."

"Maybe I should've responded more. If only I weren't so shy. Maybe I should've just texted him that day. If I had done things differently.."

"Maybe. But it's too late anyway."

So I learnt to deal with it, two years ago and two months ago. There's nothing else you can do. It's pretty much impossible if God doesn't interfere. He's gone. He's gone. He's gone.

"Lord, send me someone else, or take the feelings away. This is too much."

I don't know why it took so long. Why it took that much hope and pain and tears, just for one person that never happened. But I guess I've come to terms with the idea that we could possibly never be together, and for once, I'm fine with it. It doesn't hurt imagining that I'll see you walking around holding someone else's hand. Or laughing enjoying your time with her. Heck, I would be happy for you. I guess Jesus granted the latter part of that wish.

So yeah. I think I'm ready to take that offer I once thought was impossible. I think we can be friends.

Peace out.

How the Throat Finally Healed.

Note: This was written two weeks ago, so just add two weeks to all the time reference mentioned :)


So so so so.

I've been sick 3 weeks ago right. And it's been haunting me ever since. On the previous post I went to the doc and he gave me antibiotics and the pain went away for like 5 days. Then it came back the next Sunday, after I served at Bethany's third service (no hard feelings, church). I think my singing technique wasn't correct yet or something, it apparently upset my throat. And so, ironically, after serving at church, the sore throat came back in full force.

The next day, which was a Monday (6/4), I went to a different doctor. He said it was a viral infection, and he gave me another set of meds. That set finished that weekend, which was last Sunday (12/4), and I knew I wasn't fully healed yet. The lingering pain was still there.

And so, the week after (13/4 onwards), this has been happening:

I would wake up usually with no or minor pain, and it would go away after a glass of water or so. BUT, as the day draws to an end, my throat would for whatever reason HURT AGAIN. I don't know if it's because I've talked too much, or was it because something I've eaten or drunk, or the virus just went super saiyan, it would just hurt every night before bed.

So each night, for the whole week, I would go to sleep worried wondering if it would still hurt when I wake up. If it hurts in the morning, chances are it won't get any better and eventually I'd have to meet the doc again. And you have to understand that it has happened twice to me within two weeks. It was kind of traumatic. I blasted myself with Pei Pa Koa and Strepsils and tubs of water.

That Thursday (16/4, the fourth day of this cycle), we had to practice for this week's TLG service, which meant I had to sing. As mentioned in the first paragraph, the last time I sang, it sent me straight back to the doctor. I came to practice a little unsettled, and I tried to go easy on my vocal chords, doing my best to use my diaphragm or whatever was supposed to be the proper way of singing hoping that it won't upset my throat, but nevertheless, as expected, I went home with a more intense pain compared to the days before.

On Friday, I woke up with a slight pain which thankfully went away with a few glasses of water. That was such a relief considering the amount of pain the night before. I even took a few spoons of ice cream after lunch (I'm ashamed of my willpower), and it was fine. That night, me and Huyen went to the Affordable Art Fair. It was still fine. Then we had dinner. Then it was not fine.

I ate freaking noodle soup, and my throat went hurting again afterwards. It was so frustrating. I went back home and gulped water like.. *thinking of a phrase*.. Just a lot of it. Couldn't sleep till 4 am that night, and throat was still hurting when I fell asleep eventually.

Saturday came about and I woke up with no pain, which was good. Went to church for the workers prayer meeting and stuff, and we had a little time to practice afterwards.

5.30 came about, and the service started. I've always enjoyed leading worship and that day was special because I haven't been doing it for 3 months, and so I've missed it so much. My energy level was way up there, and I went all out and just enjoyed myself, forgetting the throat issue for a moment.

My voice was a little husky after singing for almost an hour, and I quickly took a piece of Strepsils. We went for dinner afterwards and I had another bowl of noodle soup. Craving for some desserts, we had Llao Llao afterwards. Went back at around 11 pm, turned on my Imac, chatted with friends, drew a little, and I realized something past midnight.

There. Was. No. Pain.

Like, really nothing. My throat was as calm as the Dead Sea. I swallowed my saliva millions of time just to make sure the throat feels no sensation, and really it didn't. It was not normal because just the night before it was hurting, and I've just used it full force for an hour during Praise and Worship.

It was healed. Miraculously.

I expected a slow healing process. Like slowly my immune system would finally wake up and decide to fight whatever invading virus there is. And I really was expecting the worst after singing. Faith level was at 0. And God came through.

It was the best timing possible. Getting healed after an enjoyable all out Praise and Worship.

So God, isn't it? :)

Story of the Throat.

I fell so sick 2 weeks ago.

We got this sudden news that Monday that Fian was about to suddenly fly back to Indo for good that Friday. It was not a good news. So with the little time we had, we wanted to maximise our time with him.

My throat wasn't doing too well to begin with. So it didn't help that on Wednesday night, Popeye's was the only restaurant left open after our quality session with Fian (playing Escape at The Cathay. We failed.)

So I had Popeyes for dinner. Then, the whole group left except me, Ko Nathan, and Fian. Then, Bern joined in, so there were the 4 of us. We were walking aimlessly to Fort Canning Park when we started singing random songs. Then I was like, "I know what we should do. Karaoke."

And fascinatingly all of them were up for it.

So we went karaoke-ing for 3 hours.

And the next day I woke up with this intense pain on my throat, with a tiny bit of fever (I think.) I thought it was a normal sore throat so I just drank tons of honey lemon and ate those Pei Pa Koa sweets. It didn't get better. Drinking water was painful. Making it warm helped a bit. And that night, I barely got any sleep because swallowing my saliva was basically torture.

So Friday came about and I woke up hoping to feel better only to be disappointed painfully (literally.) We went to send Fian away that day. A few friends were telling me to go to the doctor, but me being myself hates going to the doctor. I felt that I could still go on, and the hope that I will get better was still alive. I even went to FA that night. At this point, my voice was so disfigured it sounded very sexy (haha). I could feel the insides of my throat swelling. Drinking and swallowing saliva was still torture, which made trying to sleep a torturing process as well. Barely slept again. I remembered myself thinking, "if I were to go to hell, I probably would have to experience this forever. Good thing I'm saved." #thankingGodatalltimes #ontheroll

I woke up at 7 am on Saturday, in which usually I would just go back to sleep again, but my nasty throat wouldn't let me. It was so painful, I could feel the swelling grow. It's up to the roof of my mouth by then. It was the worst. I gave in, and stayed up waiting for the closest clinic to open, which was at 8 am. Watched youtube video and sorts, all the while with my throat trying to murder me.

So finally I got my antibiotics and proper meds. The doctor said it was an infection. He banned me from talking. "No screaming, no whispering, both extremes would upset your throat. If need be, use sign language." (and I completely disobeyed. I whispered my way the whole day. Sigh) By then, I couldn't even utter words. It would just be air squeezing out of my vocal chords, with occasional unidentified noises.

The cough syrup that the doctor gave would cause drowsiness, which was heaven sent cos I haven't been getting proper sleep the past two days. So I went back home, cooked breakfast, took all the meds, and went straight to bed. It was heaven.

Woke up again for lunch time, did some work, and headed to TLG. (ootd here.)

So as I said, I almost couldn't speak at all. I was basically whispering to everyone. Which in a weird way was enjoyable.

In the usual TLG fashion, we started with the Praise and Worship session. In my unusual mute fashion, I couldn't utter a single note. And the whole point of this post is just to say this:

I really enjoyed that mute worship.

I think it's because I don't have my voice to distract myself. I didn't have to care how I sounded (I hate to admit it but sometimes I do), I didn't care if I couldn't reach certain notes..

I just didn't have to.. care.

It's just the raw cry of my heart to God, without the additional vessel of my voice. And I'm in no way saying that singing as a form of your worship is bad. At all. But I'll have to admit that sometimes it can be distracting. And I've had a fellow musician friend confirm that he gets what I'm saying, so apparently I'm not alone in this self-distracting matter.

It was a very loving reminder for me I guess. That worship is supposed to be personal and raw. It's essentially between your heart and God. He hears you and that's what actually really matters. It's good to strip down once in a while, and just make it private and personal and honest between you and Daddy.

So good night people! That's my short story of how I lost my voice for a weekend. The pain was terrible, but life needed its seasonings right. :D

Clueless, but not Hopeless!

I literally just finished (or maybe not) having my quiet time. It's so good I have to share.

Journey starts at 2 Corinthians 4. MSG version. 

Verses 5 and 6 are talking about how it's all about Jesus. That we now have an understanding of God from looking at Jesus, and the understanding itself comes from Him. 

Now comes verses 7-9.

"If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives.  That’s to prevent anyone from confusing God’s incomparable power with us. As it is, there’s not much chance of that. You know for yourselves that we’re not much to look at. 

We’ve been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we’re not demoralized; we’re not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; 

we’ve been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn’t left our side; we’ve been thrown down, but we haven’t broken."

Basically, Paul is saying that although we believers have this understanding of God, we humans are still fragile jars of clay. We still have our weaknesses, things happen to us, and we still fail here and there. 

To give you a brief backdrop, I'm in a lot of confusion right now. Each time my focus is not on Jesus, getting confused is my current default state. Everything is unclear, most of the time I'm clueless of what I should do, and I don't have much control over anything. And not being in control is scary.

So given this situation, a sentence out of that passage struck me like a lightning of Grace. It was the latter part of verse 8. 

"..we’re not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do.."

In NLT, "We are perplexed, but not driven to despair."

Perplexed (adj.) Completely baffled; very puzzled. 

Despair (n.) The complete loss or absence of hope.

In other words, we maybe completely puzzled, but never without hope.

Clueless, yet never hopeless.

Isn't that the most comforting assurance from God? 

Sometimes it's scary how God speaks to us. You read something in the Bible and you just know that it's for you. I got shivers while reading the verse. He knows the troubles of our hearts. He knows what we're going through. He knows our fears, our worries and He just wants to speak His word right through it. We have a good Father, peeps!

It really is about Jesus. It's not devastatingly crucial if we don't know what we ought to do. What's most important is that if God knows what He's supposed to do. And boy does He! 

We might not know how to figure life out, and it's okay. God is forever there, and that means that hope never dies. He knows what to do! Worry not :) I'm practically speaking to myself.

Again I'm reminded that I'm in good hands, and the reminder comes just in time. 

Worry not, and be confused not, peeps. We'll do just fine :)

Good night!

End of the Whoas. For now.

Finally my roller coaster is stabilizing. It's on a steady roll across some ocean with the cold wind breezing. Numb all over because of the cold, but no sickening twists and turns, which is good for now. Enough of the life catapult.

So, to not be an annoying secretive writer, I shall let you in on a glimpse of what each Whoas were.

So yeah. 2015 has been full of surprises to begin with, so that's that. And one dawn:

Whoa I & II: Some significant being of the past decided to unexpectedly appear again. The situation was equivalent to, say, your college application was rejected and then a year later they came back contacting you. Something like that.

Whoa III: I lost my (sort of) Indonesian PR due to a very stupid mistake on my part. Don't ask. I'd rather not.

Whoa IV: There was a huge fight at home, leaving my little sister crying on the sofa and my stressed-looking brother looking worse, and leaving me crying out to God to just. do. something. tangible.

Whoa V: Someone disappointed me. Deeply. But it kind of was resolved the next day resulting in this steady numbing roll across the ocean.

So there you go. My eyes are super heavy and Imma sleep very soon. Night people!

Whoa V

My roller coaster just went up. Up. Up. through the clouds. And the air gets thinner. And thinner.

It's up there not because things are good, but because things are cold. My feet and fingers are numb, and breathing gets tough.

So tempted to just jump ship right now. Either I float into the atmosphere or I freefall back to earth, and in both scenarios I'll be with Jesus soon enough.

Sorry for the super emo tone. I hope I can blame this on PMS. I don't keep track, you see. So I can only hope.

Whoa IV

Again with the roller coaster. It just dove straight to the center if the earth where there's supposedly molten lava everywhere.

I'm holding tightly onto that safety harness for dear life, safety harness probably representing the Word of God. 

What do you do when things get out of control? Either you end your life and leave this world and all the trouble (and happiness) that it comes with, or you carry on cos Jesus laid His life so you could have His.

The engineer of this roller coaster is sick. Get me back to the earth surface now.