Parental Rant

Hi all! Long time no see.

I'm back here for a (hopefully) short random post / rant.

My mom passed away due to leukemia when I was 6. When I was 7, my dad remarried. She was a nice young lady and she tried her best to be a good mom, but I guess you can't beat the power of sharing your body with another human being for 9 months.

My best friend talks to her mom on the phone (almost) every day. I look at her and scratch my head. I can't understand why anyone would sacrifice precious free time talking for so long on the phone with their mom repeatedly, yet at the same time also longing for that kind of relationship. I watched The Little Mermaid 2 and seeing Ariel making sacrifices for Melody out of love, I cringe. I see parents flying all the way from Indonesia to Singapore to attend this church drama show while mine missed all the dramas, recitals, fashion shows, first communions, everything, with the exception of my uni graduation. My boyfriend gives his mom a tight loving hug after not seeing her for a while and I squirm at the idea of doing the same.

I will never know what these interactions feel like. Don't get me wrong, she's not a bad person nor is she a bad mom and I do love her. It's just.. different.

Now my dad, he treats me like a sandbag. Literally. If I reported him to the police back then, looking at the bruises I had, I believe I could've made a case. I've felt the belt, the cane, the slap on the face, the screaming, the name-calling, the chase (I did try to run for my life. He got me every time), things being thrown at me, tables kicked over.. My dad wasn't a father. He was terror. He's stopped beating me now (obviously), but the verbal abuse continues on.

Again, he's not a bad person. But I guess that's how he was raised and that's the only way he knows how to father.

I will never know what a fully functional family feels like. I know what it's supposed to be. I know what it's supposed to look like. I've just never felt it. I'm sure there are worse families out there, but still, it's safe to say I'm a scarred child.

.

So very recently my dad just screamed at me on the phone, and it's like all my childhood floodgates broke, and I was so angry. Angry at my dad, myself, and at life. I cried to God at the fact that I would never know what it feels like to be loved by a father or a mother. I can have a loving husband, loving siblings, loving leaders, loving in-laws, but I would never understand the love of a parent, which is just sad.

Then, I felt in my heart, "I am your Father. I am your Mother."

It downed on me that all I've never had with my earthly parents, Jesus redeems. All the scars that I've had, Jesus will heal them to the point where it is better then if they were never to happen. I might never understand truly what a parents' love feels like, but maybe, I might just know another side of the love of God.

Jesus is the loving Father we've never had. He loves us more, He cares for us more, and He actually has the power to bring us to wholeness. It might take time. 30 fold, 60 fold, and 100 fold! I don't know how far in the journey I am, but even though my heart still hurts and my feelings still anger, I know for sure Jesus is healing our relationship. It's not perfect but it's definitely better.

I do pray the day will come when my family is whole and in Christ. Do keep us in prayers!

Merry Christmas!