Day 18 - Your beliefs. (part 2)

6. Far, Again.

This second phase of 'distance' happened for quite long. It was for 5 years, and it happened at the most crucial time of me being a teenager, from 7th grade to 12th grade. From 12 to 17.

They say that being a teen are the best days of your life. Mine was a trainwreck.

I just felt so empty. I tried to find fulfillment in being popular and having lots of friends. But not being good at socializing, none happened. Tried to find fulfillment in having a boyfriend, and none actually worked out. Even when I finally got one, emptiness was still there.

Going through this stage of life without any assurance that everything will be alright, or that I am loved, or that I am going to heaven when I die.. It was misery, man. I was so lost, and I tried so hard to look not. So my teenage years was basically... Unhappy. In general. I mean, there are times that I feel happy too lah, but it was just circumstantial and short lived.


7. The Third Encounter.

On how I got to church, you can read it here, in the 2008 section.

Point is, I saw other friends having a God, and I want One too. I want Jesus back. So I got Him back. Or rather, I came home to Him again.

This time, I stuck on. I don't ever want to let go of this Jesus anymore. I kept coming to church although there were oppositions from my Catholic family. It was so worth it.

He became a God of love. I was so negative of life, and knowing (again) that God loves me and that I am saved pulled me out of that. I felt so loved. I would sit in class, and suddenly just think of Jesus, and I would feel so gleeful, and smile to myself and stuff It's just like having a crush.

This time, He gave me a community to stick onto. And God's manifestation was so real. The whole congregation speaking in tongues, healings happening before my eyes, people hearing God's voice whether audible or not, people having visions.. Mawar Sharon has "charismatic" written all over it. And I loved it. Still loving it now.

And he puts people in my life, whom through them, I can see and feel Jesus. Like Ce Linda. She was my supervisor. Like a mentor here in TLG. She's the personification of the word 'gentle'. She is so soft, and I can feel her just full of love towards her 'children'. I actually feel she loves me, that she would do anything for my sake. I feel that she cares, She's just always there.

Another person is Ko Budi. He was the youth leader of my satellite back then. At the early stage of my walk with Jesus, I can really feel Jesus around him. He's full of smiles, friendly, caring.. My first ever youth leader (we called them 'gembala'). So dear in my heart.

Then we had Ko Kar, Ko Pe, Ko Phillip, Ko Rendy and tonnes of other names to mention including Sally and my cellgroup back then, B-19. Led by our one and only Ghon. Still, me and Ghon wasn't that close yet back then. But I still enjoyed cellgroup nontheless.

To be continued.

A sensitive topic.

I just found out that child porn is available in the internet.

My goodness.

I googled it and true enough, it's out there, sites offering all those. I clicked one of them out of curiosity and it was a trap website, saying they have recorded my name and that I have offended this and that and stuff. Haizz.
And nope, I havent watched a single child pornography video in my life. It never occured in my mind that something like that would exist.

I always knew porn is available everywhere. It's created and acted by ADULTS, who are in their right mind, and made the decision to produce what they produce and put it online for other ADULTS in their right mind to consume. Or teens, nowadays.

I mean, I understand why people consume porn. It's understandable, although I can state it doesn't in any way give you the enjoyment that Jesus is able to give. You can indulge in it all you want, and still feel so empty afterwards. Only Jesus fills the hole.

But KIDS porn!!! What is there to enjoy?? So young they havent even grown boobs yet!!! Are they even thinking for themselves? Do they know that there is life out there, another better way to live? At a young delicate age, they are introduced into a life where sex is normal?

I have a 13 year old brother, and a 10 year old sister. And they are tiny!! I trust God for my brother who is entering his teenage years, that He would take good care of him. I mean, sooner or later his peers and the world will offer these kind of stuff to him. But it doesn't always have to be that way. I grow in a family and community where THAT kind of stuff is not normal (looking at the fact that I just found out about this at the old age of 21). So I know there is still hope for families.

I don't know what is the age of the kids they use in their videos. But my sister is 10, and I am sure she is still categorized as a kid. To imagine kids her age... I can't even bear to think of it. She is so little and precious, what kind of sick twisted mind would want to abuse that?

I'm just so thankful with my life now. I'm blessed with a family, good friends, enough money to study and live.. It's just so heartbreaking looking at the other end of the spectrum..

I know the topic is a little out there. But I'm filled with emotions, I'm letting it out here. I guess I'm reacting this way because my sister is of that age. But regardless of whether I have a sister or not, it is still wrong. I hope I don't offend anyone in anyway.

The Cup Song [video]

So we just watched Pitch Perfect (totally recommended), and there's this audition scene where Anna Kendrick sang this song and doing this thing with this cup...

And here is me attempting to do the same thing!! Enjoy!

Youtube link here.

When a girl dresses up, what does she do it for? Or who?

Lately she looks prettier. She puts on simple make up when she goes out, when usually she doesn't.
I always thought it was just her growing up.

But then turns out, there's this guy who is always around as well when we hang out. Well, mostly.
And I start to wonder, is it him? Is he the reason?

And I think of myself as well. Is there any reason that I try to look my best?
A major part of it is just me being a girl. I please myself first, then others. That's why some think I'm weird. Or unique, in a fancier choice of word.
But I think we all are the same, pleasing ourselves first. And it just so happens I like weirder stuff than my friends in church.

Now I wonder if that is all there is to it. Does a puny part of me want any certain someone to think I'm pretty?

I know for sure I have my own sense of beauty. Bright orange lips, super smokey eyes.. I don't see that a lot around the community I'm in.

Anyway. This is going nowhere.

So I just came back from Ce Joan's wedding. It was AWESOME. The AWESOMEST wedding I've ever attended. More awesome than my own parent's.

I'm drained now, so I'll probably talk about this some other time.

Nights!

Being someone's friend isn't easy if you started at the wrong foot.

It's just so hard. Or is it just me?

Weddings

Ce Joan's wedding is happening tomorrow. Ce Fanie's happened last two weeks. Haha's happened quite recently as well.

My friends in Surabaya are getting married as well.

At this age, I just came to realize how special a wedding is, how it is such a big deal. Two person making a life long contract that they will live together forever, loving each other while doing it. Of course, in a case where divorce is not an option. Yea, in my life and faith, divorce isn't an option.

Anyway, tomorrow is gonna be a long day. I am so excited for Ce Joan! She deserves to be happy. Ko Willy as well :)

Night, now!

UK Haul [video], Part 2

So, throwing away all my shame, I present to you part 2 of my UK Haul video.

Still awkward, not a lot of smiles, but bear with it yea? The background super noisy also.. I have no idea how to eliminate the background noise..

Regardless, hope you enjoy!

Youtube link, for a better size.

Watch part 1 here.

Thanks for dropping by! Have a nice day!