I dont know

I don't know what I'm doing here.

Hebrew 12:7 The words "once more" indicate the removing of what can be shaken -- that is, created things -- so that what cannot be shaken may remain. Shaking? Yeah, I feel that. All that is not of God in me is being shaken pretty hard. To sum it up, I have always been confident at my design and drawing skills. Now? None. Confidence and pride all as low as.... I dont know.. low.. If not gone.. I don't post a lot in blogger.. I usually do it in Tumblr and then copy it here.. But his post is not going to go to Tumblr.. This is personal and I'm at a very hard place now. Or maybe it's just PMS, I don't know. From being so sure of design, I'm not that sure anymore. At all. I'm not sure this is my place, I don't know if I want to do this forever. Not bragging, but I'm honestly more interested in going to Nigeria to feed the poor or go to the hospital and pray for healing or something than going to exhibitions ._. I don't know if that's normal. People who likes art should be excited to go to these exhibition places? But me, whenever there's an exhibition coming up, I feel pressured to come. Because I'm a designer and I need to educate myself. But when Israel Houghton came, $80 dollars would fly off my pocket just like that. Is that normal (for you not being that excited on events on your field of interest)? Does that happen to everyone? Or is it just me? Don't get me wrong, I still love drawing and design. I enjoy looking at art blogs and browsing behance and reading design and illustration magazines and buying books about it, I love them!! :D I would be more than happy to do projects.  But is that what I want to do for a living? Or just a hobby and past time? And why am I even having these thoughts? Is it that it really deep inside I'm uninterested or that I'm just lazy? Not a lot of my friends in class, as far as I know, are roaming around in exhibitions and design events outside school. I don't know. I want to grow. Lately I kept thinking that going into Graphic Design is a mistake. Should've taken Illustration, where my real passion is. But I believe regrets are useless. If God lets me be here, He has a plan. That's the only thing keeping me going now. And it will all work for good. I am just in the process of that "will". So, now that all my confidence in myself is gone, I only, only, can look and hope in Jesus. Even in my time management. Think about me all you want, that time management is my own responsibility and discipline and stuff, but I am that bad at time management (especially waking up on time), that I feel hopeless in myself that I need to come to The Lord to help me!! So me in myself, is literally good at nothing. (this is my complete honest feeling right now. Call me emo, whatever.) Talking about waking up in the morning, last night I was so desperate in wanting to wake up in the morning feeling FRESH and not tired and sleepy. Usually I would put my alarm clock in multiple times. For a 9 am class: 5 am, then 6 pm, which I would keep snoozing till 7 am, sometimes 7.30 or 7.45 (which by then I would need some king of divine intervention to not be late.) So, if I crawl to my bed at 1 am (where I would fall asleep at 1.30 or 2), I only had 3.5-4 hours of nonstop sleep, and 1 hour after 5 pm, and the rest would be multiple 10 minutes sleep in between the snoozes. And there would be times where my blackberry would be covered by my pillow, and I can't hear the alarm, and got waken up by my aunt's scream, and I would be like cos I didn't get my "extra" sleep. (Reason I set the alarm that way, besides to make sure I wake up, is because I enjoyed that feeling when you wake up and found out you still can sleep) So, last night, I got really tired of that tired feeling when waking up in the morning that I came to The Lord, asking Him to MAKE ME wake up on time tomorrow without the tired feeling or the feeling for not having that extra sleep. I was tempted to just let it all go, without any alarms at all. But I guess I still needed to grow in faith, so I still set my alarm up at 8. I HAVE to wake up at 8 if I don't want to be late. So guess what. I woke up in the morning peacefully like

and guess what the time was. 7:56. Just a few close minutes before the annoying alarm rang. I can see the humour in that. It's like God showed me He really can wake me up. And it's just at the very last minute, as if.. *how to explain ah..* As if He's showing His victory to win my faith over the alarm, waiting until the very last minute to add to the drama and klimax. So playful, that's my (our) Daddy God :)


So.. yeah, that's my inner update on what's going on lately. Still being shaken and still learning to look and depend and hope on The Lord. I don't know what else to do. 


Now that the things that are not of God are being shaken, I am waiting to see things that can't be shaken that will remain. Things that are of God and not of men! :D


Good night!! :)