Parental Rant

Hi all! Long time no see.

I'm back here for a (hopefully) short random post / rant.

My mom passed away due to leukemia when I was 6. When I was 7, my dad remarried. She was a nice young lady and she tried her best to be a good mom, but I guess you can't beat the power of sharing your body with another human being for 9 months.

My best friend talks to her mom on the phone (almost) every day. I look at her and scratch my head. I can't understand why anyone would sacrifice precious free time talking for so long on the phone with their mom repeatedly, yet at the same time also longing for that kind of relationship. I watched The Little Mermaid 2 and seeing Ariel making sacrifices for Melody out of love, I cringe. I see parents flying all the way from Indonesia to Singapore to attend this church drama show while mine missed all the dramas, recitals, fashion shows, first communions, everything, with the exception of my uni graduation. My boyfriend gives his mom a tight loving hug after not seeing her for a while and I squirm at the idea of doing the same.

I will never know what these interactions feel like. Don't get me wrong, she's not a bad person nor is she a bad mom and I do love her. It's just.. different.

Now my dad, he treats me like a sandbag. Literally. If I reported him to the police back then, looking at the bruises I had, I believe I could've made a case. I've felt the belt, the cane, the slap on the face, the screaming, the name-calling, the chase (I did try to run for my life. He got me every time), things being thrown at me, tables kicked over.. My dad wasn't a father. He was terror. He's stopped beating me now (obviously), but the verbal abuse continues on.

Again, he's not a bad person. But I guess that's how he was raised and that's the only way he knows how to father.

I will never know what a fully functional family feels like. I know what it's supposed to be. I know what it's supposed to look like. I've just never felt it. I'm sure there are worse families out there, but still, it's safe to say I'm a scarred child.

.

So very recently my dad just screamed at me on the phone, and it's like all my childhood floodgates broke, and I was so angry. Angry at my dad, myself, and at life. I cried to God at the fact that I would never know what it feels like to be loved by a father or a mother. I can have a loving husband, loving siblings, loving leaders, loving in-laws, but I would never understand the love of a parent, which is just sad.

Then, I felt in my heart, "I am your Father. I am your Mother."

It downed on me that all I've never had with my earthly parents, Jesus redeems. All the scars that I've had, Jesus will heal them to the point where it is better then if they were never to happen. I might never understand truly what a parents' love feels like, but maybe, I might just know another side of the love of God.

Jesus is the loving Father we've never had. He loves us more, He cares for us more, and He actually has the power to bring us to wholeness. It might take time. 30 fold, 60 fold, and 100 fold! I don't know how far in the journey I am, but even though my heart still hurts and my feelings still anger, I know for sure Jesus is healing our relationship. It's not perfect but it's definitely better.

I do pray the day will come when my family is whole and in Christ. Do keep us in prayers!

Merry Christmas!

Have you ever

..felt sad that your chest actually hurts? Like thousands of tiny fingers gripping below your bones? It's as if your body translates what's going on in your soul. Fascinating.

November 2016 life update!

Hello good people!

Even while freelancing I can't believe that writing time is rare! There was a point in time where blogging was a daily affair.

Which in a way is a good thing. The Lord has been blessing me!

When I first started freelancing, I remembered reading Bible promises for provision every morning, fighting the fight of faith to enter the rest knowing that Abba provides. It's less of a "fight" for me these days, because indeed Abba has provided, More than what I could ask for!

I used to cry to God to give me jobs and projects. Now I'm crying to God to give me a day off hahaha! But I'm forever grateful for all the projects I have. On days where I get tired, the image of myself last year scrambling worried of where my next paycheck would come from would flash, and I would remember that every job I have is a BLESSING!

God truly directs the path of my life! If we were to trace back all the projects I have, all of them are really divinely intervened.

Person A would lead to person B, which brings project X, which made me meet person C, which brings project Y, and so on. And I have a few of those currently happening in my life. And how I met each person A really is just by grace. Really. He gives, I receive, and we move together.

I've also met a guy who makes me grateful that all my past relationships and crushes and dates didn't work. All the heartache and the tears and the waiting has been TOTALLY worth it.

Believing for a life partner was never an issue for me. I've always known that God has prepared somebody, I just didn't know who it was or when I'd meet him.

Now, if this guy is THAT person, then God really has exceeded all my expectations! And really, all the pain due to past failed relationships felt like a breeze and other challenges that arises while pursuing this is worth going through if this is the kind of man that God is keeping me for. More deets when more stuff are confirmed!

So yeah. I'm in a happy place! And those of you who are happy for and with me, come join! If you're not, well too bad. I'm still happy :)

So that's a very short update of my life.

Talk to you (hopefully) soon!

People.

My life is near perfect now. I have a good God, and that's that basically. Work is going well, and good stuffs are happening. In many forms. I'm forever grateful to God!

Yet I'm still here to rant a little.

People should stop talking about stuff they friggen don't know about. Don't stir up gossips, especially when you know it does more harm then good. Just why would anyone do that? Especially those who you once hold dear? Beats me. 

People should stop beating around the bush and get straight to the point. Simplicity really is underrated. People need to learn to focus on what matters and move forward from there. Wallowing in the past is useless isn't it? "I told you so" doesn't help anyone, does it?

People should think before they talk. Think before they do stuff. Certain stuff bear certain consequences, and if you're not ready to face the consequences maybe you shouldn't do it at all.

Thank God for wise leaders and (true) kingdom friends. Probably this is a note to self as well. But yeah.

Anyway, again, life is bright. Work is well, relationships are well, life is pretty much too good to be true now. So instead of letting these little pebbles bother me, why not we focus on the gold that God had given? 

Who..

..do you talk to about stuff like these? 

My dad would shun me probably and ask me to make him proud and tell me to go back home.

My mom would listen probably. But she wouldn't understand it to the full. And for some reasons she is usually able to make me feel really stupid.

And I'm basically too shy to tell anyone.

You know. A dream so big so bizarre you don't see a way of reaching it, it might make you seem like a fool. Well I'm a shy person deep down anyway.

But yeah. I have a dream. A silly one. A big one.

Midnight Ramblings pt. 2

How do you deal with change?

Perhaps I hold on to the past a bit too tightly, though it's not mine to begin with.

It's being happy and sad at the same time.

Is this the "knowing" that they've been on about? Cos if it is, then I think I "know".

This could be my last stop, and there was no fork, no confusion, no fear. It's crystal clear, and it's something I've been longing to see. It's the best.

Or is it?

Midnight Ramblings.

I've always thought, "perhaps it could happen."

Two years ago, two months ago. The same thought with minuscule difference.

"Maybe God is planning for us to go our separate ways for now, to prepare us for the future."
"Maybe this time apart would forge our feelings to become stronger towards each other when we eventually get together."
"Maybe God is preparing us to be better for each other."
"Maybe he is thinking this way too."
"Maybe he is thinking of me too."
"Maybe this is hard for him too."
"Maybe."

Then another wave of thoughts rushed in.

"What if he realizes I'm not the one he wants to be with?"
"What if we were never meant to be together in the first place?"
"What if I'm not good enough?"
"What if there's someone else?"

That last question would throw me off. The thought that another woman is in the picture of what I thought consists of two people is suffocating. I still remembered the day I found out my ex had another girlfriend. The thought that you are replaceable is very much painful.

"But he wooed me first. What made him lose interest? Why would he attempt to make me fall for him if in the end he would just leave me?"

"He just didn't like you that much. If he did, he would've fought for you."

"But I was sure he liked me!"

"Well, you're wrong, woman."

"Maybe I should've responded more. If only I weren't so shy. Maybe I should've just texted him that day. If I had done things differently.."

"Maybe. But it's too late anyway."

So I learnt to deal with it, two years ago and two months ago. There's nothing else you can do. It's pretty much impossible if God doesn't interfere. He's gone. He's gone. He's gone.

"Lord, send me someone else, or take the feelings away. This is too much."

I don't know why it took so long. Why it took that much hope and pain and tears, just for one person that never happened. But I guess I've come to terms with the idea that we could possibly never be together, and for once, I'm fine with it. It doesn't hurt imagining that I'll see you walking around holding someone else's hand. Or laughing enjoying your time with her. Heck, I would be happy for you. I guess Jesus granted the latter part of that wish.

So yeah. I think I'm ready to take that offer I once thought was impossible. I think we can be friends.

Peace out.